Stephen Hawking Analyzing White House Physics Puzzles

Dear President Bush,

Noted physicist Stephen Hawking normally has little time for politics, but two recent developments caught his eye. Hawking said “I am always on the lookout for strange physical phenomena.

The first occurred at the White House Correspondents’ dinner when Stephen Colbert’s headline act sucked all the air out of the room, making it extremely difficult for participants to laugh. No breath, no laughter. The material was so outstanding, I expected people to be rolling in the aisles. My home belly laugh meter rang off the charts. It was as if a comedic black hole stood in close proximity. I have a theory as to which attendee sucked all the life out of the room. The problem is he had an exact double with him that evening. Did just one do it or were there two black holes in the ballroom? Once I run a few more tests, I should have the answer.”

The second odd physics question involves foreign relations, specifically between the United States and Russia. After warming rapidly for a decade, it has undergone extreme and pervasive cooling. Hawking noted the chilly relationship to be associated with the current Eastern Bloc trip and comments by Vice President Dick Cheney. The physics genius implied that any junior physicist could figure this one out. “Have you heard of the term absolute zero? It is so cold that particle movement is at its slowest. In America it would be a minus 459 degrees F, while in Europe it is a minus 273 C.”

Hawking grabbed a Lithuanian high school student, handed him a thermometer and instructed him to place it over Vice President Cheney’s heart. The student encountered some difficulty as the V.P. frequently lifted his left arm to down his drink. After a few minutes the apprentice registered the reading. “Professor Hawking, Mr. Cheney’s heart is minus 451 degrees Fahrenheit or negative 268.3 Celsius.”

The noted instructor observed “It is close to absolute zero but not quite. There is still movement in his heart, but it does explain the rapid and profound cooling in U.S./Russian relations. I can understand why Russians could see it as a second Cold War.” At that point Cheney popped up to say “It is a good thing I drank some of that good Ruskie antifreeze to warm me up. I heard you mention it a minute ago. Don’t you just love Absolut! Once I warm up a bit more, I plan to go hunting. Anyone care to join me?”


P.S. Absolutely nothing attributed to the people in this report is true!