Rumsfeld Says National Guard Training in Hellish Heat is Plus

Dear President Bush,

Sec. Donald Rumsfeld cited the advantages of deploying National Guard troops along the southern border with Mexico in recent Congressional testimony. The civilian military chief plans to use guardsman during their 2-3 week active duty training period. Rumsfeld mention some of the advantages of such deployment.

One, it doesn’t interfere with ongoing operations in the Iraqi and Afghan theaters. Two, it gives guardsmen training in high heat conditions, similar to what they might face in Baghdad during the summer. It is the closest approximation to hell that we can simulate here on Earth. I know they already say “war is hell”, but war in a sweltering climate is like “double hell”.

Three, it helps us sell the guard to young recruits. I am working on an agreement with Ron Luce of Teen Mania. If you provide the funding I would like to give Mr. Luce’s Battle Cry organization the incentive to steer his frenzied Christian warrior troops toward serving in the National Guard. I propose a bounty if you will. For every Battle Cry recruit I would like to give Mr. Luce our standard recruiting bonus, the one we give internally to members of the military for recruiting a friend to serve. He has been filling 25,000 seat stadiums with motivated Christian warriors. I would like to give them an opportunity to fight on behalf of our good Christian nation.

It is important for the United States to maintain its borders and the National Guard is part of that solution. My suggested name for this program is “Hell’s Border”. The goal is to keep Mexicans on their own hellish side, eeking out a subsidence existence. It does not behoove our country to have them mixing with our poor similarly struggling. That our troops have the opportunity to train in hell is an added bonus. I have informed my commanders the mission of this program is train in hell, do it well. Any questions?

Yes, Mr. Secretary, how do you know the conditions of hell?

The military funded research on the subject, scholarly, scientific research conducted by the finest universities. Liberty University and Regent University collaborated on the analysis. Rev. Jerry Falwell and Rev. Robertson gave me the report just the other day. It concluded hell is a dry heat, like the desert Southwest. Satan's fire is so intense human sweat is quickly evaporated. Those people suffering in New Orleans post Katrina only thought they were in hell. Had it been the real thing there would have been virtually no humidity.

Thank you Mr. Secretary...