Friday, May 19, 2006

NRA Devises New “Bloomberg Alert”

Dear President Bush,

Inspired by the dramatic success of their Charlton alerts the National Rifle Association wishes to institute another early warning system for gun safety. The Charlton Alert started in 2001 partly in response to 9-11. That day many firearms were separated from their owners, laying there in need of reuniting. The events of Hurricane Katrina gave the Charlton alert a second chance to shine. From its inception, over 2,000 lost firearms have been joyfully reunited with their owners. One included a lone loaded assault rifle abandoned in a parking lot near the Supreme Court.

The newest alert will ring out only in the halls of state and national government. A Bloomberg alert will be issued via pager to all card carrying NRA legislators when New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is cited on the grounds of any legislative building. The message each elected official will receive is:

Warning! Warning! Warning! Mayor Bloomberg is on the premises approaching the legislative chamber. He intends to unnecessarily restrict citizen’s constitutional rights to bear arms and restrict interstate commerce in patriotic weaponry. To date he refuses to sign a pledge that he won’t take away guns from law abiding citizens. For your safety please leave the chamber, go to your office, lock the door, and pull out your gun. Remember guns don’t kill people, people do!

Legislators wishing to sign up for this service only need call Mr. Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association. Elected officials may wish to inquire about the NRA’s other new signature program, the Holder in the Stroller which requires child strollers be equipped with a gun holder for both the adults peace of mind and the infants enjoyment.

P.S. None of the NRA alerts or programs in this letter is true. They are fiction and copyrighted by this author. However, should the NRA wish to institute such programs call me!

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