Sunday, June 04, 2006

Cheney Proposes New “War of the Worlds” Scenario to Deal with Mexico & Iran

Dear President Bush,

It is a good thing your office is bugged, otherwise the world would not know about your upcoming plan to deal with illegal immigration and that pesky "nukular" seeking Iran. Just minutes ago, Vice President Cheney slinked into your office with the following advice.

Cheney: George, the folks at Psy-Ops came up with a beautiful strategy to simultaneously deal with wetbacks and nuclear aspiring towel heads. Do you recall Orson Wells radio show War of the Worlds? People thought it was real and it scared the crap out of the whole country.

Bush: You mean Tom Cruise didn’t really save the world by coughing bird flu on the aliens after hours of fleeing and fighting for his life?

Cheney: No, Mr. President that was a movie. But just like you think it was real, the military’s psychological operations unit creates illusions people think are real. Their fantasies make people really mad so they come out of hiding in a fit of rage only to be picked off or they scare the poopy out them, turning them into quivering bowls of Jello.

Bush: Can you send down to the kitchen for some Jello? And get the kind that has little pieces of fruit in it. That kind of fruit I can stand. We wouldn't want to banish oranges and apples from getting married would we? (the President and V.P. roar with laughter)

Cheney: George, please listen as time is of the essence. Condi Rice warned Iran they don’t have much time and for this psy-ops idea to work we must act quickly. You use your unitary executive powers to commandeer the airwaves, TV, radio, internet. The psy-ops feed will show terrorists bombing the Mexico-Iran World Cup game in Nuremberg, Germany. Fundamentalist Islamic terrorists, the Sunni version, will ride in at halftime on a Tecate beer truck. Only the truck will not be loaded with beer. It will be filled with jet fuel and fertilizer courtesy of our black ops. When the first drunk German, Mexican or Iranian pulls the tap on the side, Ka-boom! The truck bomb levels the stadium, "killing" all inside.

Bush: You are suggesting we send a message to Mexico and Iran by blowing up the stadium at an international soccer match with the whole world watching? I like it!

Cheney: Mr. President, we don’t really blow up the stadium. The feed is computer generated by the folks at Dreamworks and Pixar. We want the world to hate terrorists so much, that we fabricate a horrific terrorist act. That the victims happen to be the two thorns in our side is the beauty part. Anytime I can work a little payback in, all the better. You have been taking it on the chin for your immigration stand and that twit in Iran keeps thumbing his nose at you.

Bush: Might this garner sympathy for our enemies, Mexico and Iran?

Cheney: Worldwide yes, but they don’t vote in our elections. Christians turn out by the boatload and they hate illegals & Muslims. The retaliatory joy they will experience will help drive them to the polls this November. I already have Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, and James Dobson on tape citing this event as God’s punishment of the brown skinned people of Mexico and Iran. The only way to get back in God’s good graces is to vote Republican come November. That it happened in white, Lutheran Germany will please our fundamentalist armies who hate mainstream Christian churches. The game is only a week away so you must act quickly. What do you think?

Bush: What happens to the people in the stadium? There will tens of thousands of them.

Cheney: I am glad you asked that. Forced work camps. They will be taken under cover to Alaska to help build our Bridge to Nowhere. Those that survive the brutal Alaskan winter will be shipped to other infrastructure projects. A summer relocating a railroad line in Mississippi will cause more to fall from heat exhaustion and West Nile virus. By then the bird flu will be here, courtesy of Israel’s biological warfare program. As the wider population is culled, you and I will hang out here popping Tamiflu and getting our vaccinations. But I am getting ahead of myself. The people in the stadium at the time of "the event" will be safe and kept quiet. Friends and relatives will think they are dead, so we can do with them what we wish. If you don’t like the forced labor idea, I am sure psy-ops can figure something else out.

Bush: Could we contract out the prisoners to the Carlyle Group? They are getting in the infrastructure business and I am planning to send lots of federal projects their way. The governors are lining up with their projects as I speak. Carlyle could boost their hefty profit margins with dirt cheap slave labor. You could check out progress on my behalf. Be sure to take along your shotgun in case anyone needs to be motivated!

Cheney: Great ideas Mr. President! You sure are a visionary.

Bush: Put the plan into play, Dick. I can’t wait to watch the world’s reaction on June 11th!

Cheney: Yes, sir!

P.S. This post is complete fiction, untrue, humorous (hopefully). Ask Orson Wells if you don’t believe me!

No comments: