Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert’s Itinerary

Dear President Bush,

It is good to see you enacting your promises of transparency in publishing Ehud Olmert, the Israeli leader’s itinerary.

Monday, May 22nd

Dinner with Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice & National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley. Mr. Olmert plans to discuss the joint U.S. Israel isolation and starvation of Palestinian leadership. They will laugh over the releasing funds for health and medicine, most of which comes from the Palestinian’s own tax dollars. Parties to the dinner will run around throwing Israeli interest money in the air. They may leave some of it on the ground as it is earned from a Palestinian escrow account. AIPAC, an Israeli lobbying group will pick up the dinner tab.

Tueday May 23rd

Meet with Sec. of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. Prime Minister Olmert will speak with Sec. Rumsfeld about dismantling Iran’s nuclear capability. They will compare photographs and other evidence that Iran is simply months away from producing a nuclear weapon. Sec. Rumsfeld will share Iranian neighbors’ reaction to U.S. advice that they prepare for a retaliatory attack from Iran. Then they will get shit faced drunk and throw darts at pictures of President Ahmadinejad as that is step 3 in the set of procedures for a pre-emptive attack on a sovereign country.

Meet with President Bush. The U.S. President will join the pair during the dart throwing session. Mr. Olmert will sound out the leader of the apparently free world on Isreal’s unilateral plans to force a two state solution. The Israeli government is withholding Palestinian tax money, planning to annex historical Palestinian lands, and not willing to talk to any Palestinian leader, current or past about the roadmap to peace. Mr. Olmert will pull out the roadmap, set it on fire, and use it to light the cigars he, Bushy and Rummy will smoke. A photo of the newly elected Hamas leader will be added to the dart board and another round of drinks for all! Near the end of the meeting President Bush will look under the podium for those Iranian nuclear weapons. Rummy and Ehud will roar in back slapping laughter. As they finish the meeting the box for step 3 in the escalation to pre-emptive attack is checked off.

Wednesday, May 24th

Met with Vice President Dick Cheney. Mr. Olmert will show up wearing blaze orange for his meeting with the V.P. at Camp David. After leaving the Prime Minister alone in the woods, V.P. Cheney will pop out from behind a tree guns ablazing. He will be using blanks and both parties will have a deep belly laugh over the Veep’s hijinks. After lunch and a few beers they will get down to the serious business of exchanging information on the effectiveness of various torture techniques. Both men will get that creepy smile at some point during the discussion. No media is allowed as that would scare the populace. Fear of recalcitrant Arabs and prancing homosexuals is O.K., fear of American and Israeli leaders is not to be allowed. A lobbyist from AIPAC will pick up the lunch and make a large donation to each leader’s political party

Meet with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. Mr. Olmert will briefly meet with the Speaker of the House. This is a perfunctory move to allow AIPAC to make large donations to the Republican Party, specifically to all the Congresspersons up for re-lection in November. Mr. Hastert will hand out the checks as the next item on the agenda is conducted. AIPAC will pick up the 7 course brunch symbolic of the gorging politicians do at election time.

Speak with a Joint Meeting of Both Chambers of Congress. This is a transparent check passing opportunity. Mr. Olmert will make several subtle requests in return for those large campaign donations. Denny Hastert, wearing a pink pig nose, will circulate through the chamber passing out those baby Jesus gifts. Mr. Olmert will end his talk by officially announcing the name of Jack Abramoff’s replacement.

It is good to see your renewed commitment to transparency. I wish you luck with the very difficult situation of Israel, Palestine, and Iran especially now that the vehicles are completely off the roadmap to peace.

P.S. The itinerary is complete fiction, at least the content. Should any of that express itself in reality it would be a matter of statistical probability or coincidence.

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