Saturday, June 30, 2007

Churches Law Unto Themselves

The Texas Supreme Court ruled in favor of a minister who told his congregation of a parishioner's extra-marital affair learned about in a marriage counseling session. It dismissed the suit despite the plaintiff's assertion that the liscensed professional counselor violated his confidentiality duty.

The Court said "Churches have a fundamental right to decide for themselves, free from state interference, matters of church government as well as those of faith and doctrine." In other words, they are above the law.

The Crossland Community Bible Church required members to abide by Bible-based rules and discipline. What happens if they stone an adultress?

What will happen to people being served by government supported faith based programs? Does the minister have the right to treat them any way they wish in the name of religion? In the last month little people lost the right to their day in court, shareholders, taxpayers, and now congregants. Power Heads in various groups, CEO's, Elected Officials and Preachers, are consolidating their gains. I take it the court will rule on its own behalf next, as it too will be above the law...

Private Contractors Take Half of Bush's Fish

President Bush reels in only half of a fish as contractors took the other half right off the top. Number 43 stated "My goal is for the private sector to eventually take the whole fish, dramatically mark it up and pass it off as government provided fish. Should it rot in this process, that would just be typical ineffective federal bureaucracy." For those paying attention, Mr. President, things already stink.

Jobs Promotes iPope

"We did the deal with the Vatican to lure people into the Apple Family, which we think of as, well the Garden of Eden. The iPope should more than deliver" said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. "During product testing we made sure the iPope is bite proof. So come back into the Garden!"

IPope Buyer Rushes Home to Engage Premium Service

A Massachusetts iPope buyer high fived the Apple store staff as he rushed home to sign up for iPope Premium Service. "I can't wait to iConfess from the comfort of my living room, one on one with Pope Benedict XVI himself!" Also included in the Premium offering is the Rudy Giuliani Rapid Repeat Annulment Service and iVote which instructs good Catholics on proper candidates. Adults over 18 can access the exclusive Fox Smoldering Confessions Channel which shows video re-enactments of steamy confessions. The Vatican also believes the iPope will enable Chinese Catholics to unite with the Vatican through high tech methods. And future Popes will be selected using the popular device. Rather than use different colored chimney smoke, the Holy See will post a thumbs up or down video on YouTube.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Followers Excited to Purchase iPopes

Previous purchasers of the Pope-a-phone are ecstatic about upgrading to iPope. When the man pictured above found iPopes still in stock he yelled "Holy See it!" Another excited fan said "It has all the same cool features as the Pope-a-Phone. Hit 7 for the pontiff's daily message, one zero gets you a reading of the Ten Commandments both Classic and Roadweary, and 666 reaches Phone-a-Confession. But the iPope adds real time maps of the Vatican showing the Pope's location, the video camera where the Cardinals can monitor my following of Catholic teaching, and Charge-a-Tithe with Pa-pal. I am so pumped. Now I can give my Pope-a-Phone to my parents." Popeaphiles truly have something to cheer about.

Vatican Launches iPope

The Vatican announced its entry into the word of high tech communications with the unveiling of the iPope. The unit offers a phone, music player, and internet like the iPhone but it adds one critical feature, a video camera controlled remotely by the Vatican. This way the Pope can see if a driver is following his recently released Ten Commandments for the Road. It also allows the pontiff to record elected representatives votes on key issues. And good Catholics using birth control, better put that iPope in the drawer!

Huge Bush Balloon to Deal with Pesky Senate Subpoenas

President Bush modelled the look of the huge Bush balloon charged with intimidating the Senate Judiciary Committee's double round of subpoenas into the administrations firing of state attorney generals and its domestic secret spying program. The White House already claimed Executive Privilege on the firings issue.

Bush said "We're going to create a huge balloon like they use in the Macy's Day Parade and set it up outside the Capital. I'll have a walkie-talkie in the White House that enables my voice to projectification from its oral focular point. Not only can I call them demeaning nicknames, I'll actually be able to breathe fire remotely. Well it's technically not breathing. It's more like college hijinks, the kind you do with a lighter after eating a spicy Mexican dinner. Those Senators need to beware my fiery Bush balloon's asshole. And after I get them straightened out, me and the balloon are going for a spin on the Titanic. I can't wait to get on the bow and yell "I'm King of the World'."

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Bush Goes Health Care Rough Riding

I can always count on President Bush to deliver a good bed time story. His talk from the Roosevelt Room almost inspired an afternoon nap but my adrenaline soared while belly laughing at his assertions.

First, President Bush called S-CHIP government run health care. If other states are like Texas then private health insurers are the government, because they're the ones providing the health insurance. Texas CHIP contracts with AmeriGroup amongst other private insurance companies for coverage. This is the same company concerned about Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko.

Second, for a party that wants to "leave no child behind", Republicans made remarkably little progress in reducing the total number of uninsured kids since Bush I left office. In 1992 8.4 million children had no health insurance. Thirteen years later the number stood at 8.3 million. You do the math.

Third, the number of uninsured grew to 47 million on Bush Junior's shift. It would've been higher but for several Census Bureau "calculation adjustments". The President expects the less than 2% of Americans with a health savings account to change market behavior. Past studies showed managed care had to reach a significant portion of a doctor's practice to change medical care patterns. One and a half percent isn't anywhere close to the 40-50% benchmark.

Fourth, Bush plans to press the levers of supply and demand while our nation experiences a doctor shortage. While priming the pump to increase supply in oil and gas, Bush healthcare does nothing to increase physician supply. How amenable will those busy physicians be to negotiating price with patients by phone?

Fifth, the tax deduction/credit is a slick way of allowing employers to dump that pesky health insurance benefit to the employee. That's you! Watch out as CEO's look for the post outsourcing profit boost needed to drive up their incentive compensation. As for its impact on the legions of uninsureds, the President said it would only drop the number by 5 or 10%. This gets the number down to around 42 million, hit in Bush's second year in office.

Sixth, Republicans used a number of administrative procedures and requirements to toss people from government sponsored health insurance. These include citizen requirements, making the application process more burdensome, implementing premium sharing and raising co-payments. The state of Texas did such a thing years ago causing a drop of over 200,000 kids from the CHIP rolls.

Seventh, President Bush likes to hammer other countries' health care systems. Rationing occurs under every system, including the U.S. Republicans prefer it be done on the basis of monetary resources. However, they're adding outcomes to the mix. The predictable result is doctors will take care of rich, unsick patients first. Any excess capacity will go to the poor, unhealthy patients. Does that sound like the aim of a good healthcare system?

The Bush Health Care Plan is another stealth method to reduce the number of people on S-CHIP, Medicaid, and Medicare or at least reduce the rate of growth. It turns out both employers and the government hate paying for your health care. If they back out, who's left to foot the bill? Ask the 200,000 kids no longer on Texas CHIP...

Roberts Says U.S. Can Shut Down Courts & Empty Jails

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts ruled race cannot be used as a basis to address diversity concerns in public schools. He stated "The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race." Similarly the way to stop crimes is for criminals to stop committing them. As a simple declaration is sufficient for schools, I expect the Supremes to tackle crime next. Let the decrees take effect. Only won't that put the man with two first names out of a job?

Nixon's Lament: No Cheney Fielding Flak

Vice President Dick Cheney tells the President "Pssst, give them nothing and claim Executive Privilege. We never promised them a Rose Garden, but I think we can spare some fertilizer." Poor President Nixon had the honest and ethical Gerald Ford as Vice President, thus he lacked the enforcer like protector currently shielding President Bush from what's known as "the law." Had Tricky Dick the First applied the same logic of Executive Privilege would Watergate ever been much more than a rumour? Deep Throat's assertions needed to be backed up with White House evidence. Meanwhile the Bush team continues its thumbing of the Constitution and rule of law under the able guidance of Tricky Dick the Second.

Bush & Cheney Refuse Subpoenas

President Bush asked Vice President Cheney "What should we do about the Congressional subpoenas?

"We're not out of toilet paper just yet, Sir. If you get my drift."

The President replied "I think it just drifted over here, Shooter. Did you just crap on a legal document?"

"I do it all the time. Next time you see my hand across my chest, you'll know what I'm up to" said a smiling Dickster as the White House claimed Executive Privilege.

Rudy Pulls a TEOMEIMF at Pat Robertson U

Rudy Giuliani had to make the conservative Christian crowd at Regent University forget about his abortion stance and past cross dressing practices. He decided the best way to counter his weakness would be to join the Clinton hating funadmentalist throng. After all, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

So Rudy led with a haymaker to President Bill Clinton for encouraging terrorists. It matters not that what Giuliani flip flopped from past statements or told out and out lies. He needed to get the crowd excited. "Jesus hates Bill Clinton." Now that sounds like some preachers I know...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Cheney Craps on Subpoenas

Vice President Dick Cheney reacts to being subpoenaed by the Senate. "First of all, Senator Leahy already knows what he can do to himself. I told him on the Senate floor years ago. Second, I'm working up a big stinky to set atop the papers once delivered. What gets out is only what I want to get out..."

Greasing the Skids for Sicko

A heavy hitting lineup of health care executives lined up to pummel Michael Moore's movie Sicko before its U.S. opening. Virtually the same cast of industry moguls gathered in 2003 to plan National Health Policy. Having designed the system to their advantage, the corporate chiefs now circle the wagons to hold onto their gains.

Only today they have politically connected Carlyle Group on their side. With Bush as their chief cheerleader, I'd say the fight got a lot rougher.

Carlyle Authenticates IPO Cash Register Ringing

The Carlyle Group invested in AuthenTec Inc., a computer security fingerprint identification company with a number of partners in 2004. The investment totalled $15 million with Carlyle taking the lead position. As "the lead investor" Carlyle stands to do well in AuthenTec's just announced independent public offering of 8.625 million shares, 7.5 million to the public and 1.125 million in optional shares for firms bringing the company to market. At $11 apiece, proceeds could total nearly $95 million.

However, the company would only get $70 million as some shares are offered by shareholders. Also the cost of underwriting fees reduces the take. What's even more amazing is the IPO is offering only about 25% of the company's stock according to the prospectus. Some 19 million shares remain in the kitty to be offered to the public later. Twenty six million shares at $11 each equates to nearly $300 million.

How much will Carlyle net on this company when it's said and done? TGC Holdings currently owns 2.6 million shares of common stock. This is not expected to change via the public offering. In addition, Carlyle's nearly 10 million shares of preferred stock will convert into 2.5 million shares of common stock. The prospectus guarantees the Series D preferred stock holders will at least double their initial investment. If the stock price holds, they'll do much better than that. Carlyle stands to own about 5 million shares of AuthenTec. At $11 a share, that equates to $55 million. Their initial investment in 2004 stood at $10 million. A $45 million or 350% profit sounds big enough to share.

President Bush's 15% capital gains tax rate will save Carlyle and partners millions in taxes from this one transaction. The federal government contributed even further to AuthenTec's success as the Census Bureau will use their technology to conduct the 2010 census.

This pattern of buying companies, increasing their federal book of business and spinning them back off at a huge profit is looking familiar, United Defense Industries, Horizon Lines, U.S. Investigations Services, and QinetiQ to name a few. When will the public wise up?

Edwards Begs Coulter to Take Her Meds

Elizabeth Edwards pleaded with a crazed Ann Coulter to get back on her medication routine. Ann refused and scheduled a meeting with the Eeevil Conservative to plot her next vituperative vomiting, practice her 360 degree head spinning and show off her Wicked Witch of the West shoes. "Come here my deerie Elizabeth! My crystal ball shows terrorists and death. I've already cast a spell for you and your faggot husband..."

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Republican Royalty

President Bush and his wife Laura snicker over the fact that the Clinton Lincoln Bedroom lives on while most news channels completely missed the 37 high dollar Republican donors and relations sharing Dover Sole with the Queen.

CIA Past Secrets, What About DIA?

While the Central Intelligence Agency aired some of its dirty laundry, more stinky federal socks remain hidden from view. However, the pungent odor from similar modern day nefarious schemes remains ever present. The "just recently" honest CIA wants citizens to trust them as they deny a European Union report on secret CIA prisons U.S. President Bush already admitted existed and continue classifying previously public information.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon and its Defense Intelligence Agency plan to wage electronic warfare which sees the democratic internet as "equivalent to an enemy weapons system." They plan to "fight the net" and suggest a viable aim is for the United States to "provide maximum control of the entire electromagnetic spectrum." The US military seeks the capability to knock out every telephone, every networked computer, every radar system on the planet.

If the U.S. meets it objective of controlling the net, what advantage does it get by "coming clean on past CIA misdeeds some 33 years after they last occurred? Did they just give themselves three eleven year periods to hide current misdeeds? Given the strategy, the benefit is in there somewhere...

Condi Hang On for T Squared!

As poor Condi Rice drowns in the broken water of Middle East "birth pangs", help may be on the way. British Prime Minister Tony Blair may soon ride in on a white poodle to revive peace in the Middle East. Should his partner in crime join Mr. Blair, the dynamic duo could be called T Squared, "Tony and the Terminator". I can just see the two sporting dark sunglasses. Arnold says "You deal with my pink tied friend now or deal with me later. I'll be back!" Tony just chuckles...

Immigration Bill Jumps Key Hurdle in Senate

President Bush cheered loudly as Immigration Reform scaled a weeks old Senate blockade. Should it pass the Senate, the bill would migrate to the House of Representatives for consideration. If the papers are found to be in order and the bill passed, Congress plans on paying it minimum wage with no benefits.

Bush Gets Schooled by Scholars

President Bush indicated the size of the lie he just told a group of Presidential Scholars concerned about America's torturing of detainees when he said "We respect human rights." The problem is he considers the terrorists subhuman, something the intelligent, caring youth can't understand...

New U.S. China Business Opportunity, Managing Recalls

Defective tires are the latest present from China to the American consumer courtesy of U.S. "manufacturers" contracting out production to the Far East. They follow poisonous pet food, children's toys covered in lead paint and tainted toothpaste.

The National Highway Transportation Safety Agency ordered Foreign Tire Sales, a small U.S. company to recall some 450,000 light truck radial tires made by Hangzhou Zhongce Rubber Co. as the tires could suffer tread separation. FTS said it has no capability of conducting such a large recall and pointed the finger at other major tire companies that sourced work to the same company.

As the government ordered a recall and the tiny company has capacity to conduct such a massive undertaking, what will happen? Will the government step in to ensure consumers are treated fairly? Will the problem just sit and smolder while families continue driving on potentially dangerous tires? Or will the modern day hero, the corporation come riding to the rescue?

Will the always efficient, ethical private sector come to rescue the never ending bumbling government bureaucracy incapable of tying its shoes? There's a new business opportunity in town, that of managing recalls for skeleton U.S. firms. Who'll step up to the plate to provide this needed service?

P.S. For anyone confused as to why the always efficient, ethical private sector could intentionally substitute harmful ingredients in food and toothpaste or skimp on gum strips that hold together tire belts, just remember the mantra "government bad, private industry good".

Paris Freed Herself

Paris Hilton shows how she inhaled deeply enabling her to squeeze through her cell bars and escape prison. She said her next step would be to join Mike Bloomberg's campaign. "I'd like to work for the White House because they commit lots of crimes and don't even go to trial. Politics is much safer than entertainment. Ask Martha Stewart?"

Monday, June 25, 2007

Ex-EPA Chief Breathes Easily

'I'm losing it..... must remember the mantra.... breathe, take another deep breath'...."On 9-11 terrorists attacked us and I'm sick of all the rescue workers attacking me over their scarred lungs." The government failed the people not once, not twice, but thrice. Take that deep breath Christine, because you still can...

Supremes Step on Taxpayers and Shareholders

In a one two punch the U.S. Supreme Court tossed out suits by little guys trying to band together. Last week they booted shareholder class action lawsuits against big investment houses. Today they levelled taxpayers for not having standing to sue over the Bush administration's preferrentially pushing money to faith based groups.

The White House hailed both decisions but the article didn't say with what? Was it "damn the little guys", "attaboy Robert John (the guy with two first names I can't always put them in the right order)" or "when the Executive contols both Congress and the Supreme Court my bowels move easier"? I'm pretty sure Chief Justice Roberts responded with "Now that I've given you your rulings Mr. President can you please remove the metal vice from my head? Torture hurts!"

Supreme Ruling on Purchased vs. Nearly Free Speech

Justice Samuel Alito provided the burst of wind needed to turn the U.S. Supreme Court in a new direction. The Court struck down a law restricting free speech by single issue and special interest groups, unions and corporations just before the public votes in a primary or general election.

"When it comes to defining what speech qualifies as the functional equivalent of express advocacy subject to such a ban -- the issue we do have to decide -- we give the benefit of the doubt to speech, not censorship," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority.

However, the Court continued the government's right to restrict "nearly free"speech at events where paid government officials are speaking. People using their free speech rights to buy a bumper sticker, iron on a t-shirt message, or create a hand held sign will still be curtailed. And beware to federal employees who dare communicate their thoughts publicly.

Student Loses Nearly Free Speech Case

A high school student posted a 14 foot white paper banner using $3 duct tape that offended school officials. The teen displayed the poster "Bong Hits for Jesus" while the Olympic Torch paraded through town. The picture above shows the fire used to light the communion bong. In an effort to update the Eucharist, the student substituted a brown leafy substance for wine as both can give you a buzz. The U2 Eucharist must be envious.

Despite his best efforts to display the poster in a humorous light, the Supreme Court suggested the speech was "nearly free" and thus offensive. Had the student fueled the economy by hiring WPP and paid hundreds of thousands in TV advertising time, the Court would have ruled in his favor. Better luck next time, little guy! You have to spend more than $3 as there is no such thing anymore as "nearly free" speech. And don't get me started on its monitoring...

Supremes Expand Right to Purchase Speech

The U.S. Supreme Court struck down aspects of the campaign finance bill intended to put some boundaries around pre-election advertising outside official campaign groups. The end result is fewer restrictions by issue oriented groups, unions and corporations who wish to buy media time to spread their messages which includes candidates they favor. The Bush administration pushed the case to court, a rare happening for this group when legal questions exist.

Now that restrictions have been reduced, what can we expect for 2008, especially given the crap voters were subjected to by offical campaigns in 2006? One expert suggested "suddenly we're going to see in the 2008 elections massive broadcast ads by corporations and other groups that are intended to influence the elections and circumvent the very old restrictions on corporations, labor unions, against directly contributing to campaigns."

What can you do? Cancel cable, use only a cell phone and subscribe to satellite radio. At least that's my plan!

P.S. While the Supremes opened purchased speech it continued to ratchet down on the little man unable to afford a newspaper ad or TV commercial. Student free speech took a hit as the Court ruled against "Bong Hits for Jesus". Does anyone else find it interesting the school has the right to create a system of appropriate communication but Congress doesn't?

Sunday, June 24, 2007

PEU's Threaten to Go Offshore

Private equity underwriters threatened to take their business elsewhere should the U.S. Congress make the industry pay the same tax as American manufacturers on profits. I can just picture the head of the Private Equity Council saying something like, "We'll be forced to do what U.S. manufacturers have done and that's take production elsewhere. Many of us will look hard at Halliburton's recent move to Dubai should the people's house make us pay more than the 15% capital gains tax on assets held more than a year. We're counting on our old friend from Bain & Co. to lower taxes. C'mon Mitt, help us out here!"

Just as the U.S. apple grower may need to look overseas to sell product, so may the modern day money changer. Both are facing down an evil challenge. Apple growers face low cost competition from China while PEU's flinch at paying the regular corporate "sinister" tax rate.

The threat of raising taxes is a shot across the bow of the federal government, almost wholly owned by contributions from large money center and securities/investment firms. There may be a political show but don't count on any Congressional puppets to step up and bite the hand or mouth that moves them. If by chance they do leave, Britain may not roll out the welcome mat. Stiff upper lips all around!

SOD Erred, Cheney is the Mad Scientist!

I erred in a post earlier this week when I referred to Vice President Cheney as the mad scientist's monster. After reading in The Washington Post about the Vice President's creepy, secretive lair (also known as the V.P.'s office), I'm pretty sure Cheney is the Mad Scientist! What do you think, scientist or monster, Dr. Frankenstein or the mute, angry beast?

How to Slice the Chinese Apple?

How does America view China, as economic partner or defense threat? Consider the dilemma through the eyes of a U.S. apple farmer. China grows nearly half of all the apples worldwide, more than five times the amount grown domestically. American farmers are worried about the prospect of imported Chinese apples on prices.

Haven't they heard of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's dollar extender? This suggests the increased buying power from cheaper imported goods more than makes up for any lost jobs. If correct, I can't imagine why this wouldn't apply to farm produce. So open the doors wide for Chinese apples to increase our economic success!

Huh? Farmer's don't believe a bunch of guys in suits from the Chamber of Commerce? Do they think it only applies to cheap imported tractors or those Chinese made Goodyear Tires?

Why don't farmer's imitate their corporate manufacturing counterparts, shut down U.S. production and import Chinese apples at half the cost? You mean they actually want to raise the product themselves and not contract it out? Well, finally someone deserves a big round of applause!

Once Chinese Red apples invade the West Coast, the value of apple farms will plummet. They'll be sold on the cheap to a huge congolmerate owned by a private equity firm. This politically connected investment house will use the plight of a handful of remaining independent producers to lobby for protection and subsidies. With a guaranteed government gravy train and firm apple prices, Apple Conglomerate will be ready to cut domestic production costs. A new immigration bill would come in handy.

That is if AC doesn't turn around and contract all apple production to China, letting the U.S. orchards whither. What other private equity affiliate could use the land for development, for water, to drill for oil or gas?

But wait, what if Chinese apples are U.S. weapons? The United States accounts for nearly half of world military spending and over seven times as much as the Red Scare. What's more dangerous, a rock propelled grenade launcher of a Fuji apple? What would you rather have sitting under a tree in your front yard, a Gala apple or a cluster bomblet?

While America subsidizes domestic weapons manufacturing it happily waved goodbye to other Chinese bound production capabilities. Where will farming fit into the mix? Will it be the beneficiary of "dollar extending" economic efforts? It will be an interesting game to watch...

Better Rush Blair

President Bush needs to continue his arm twisting of Tony Blair to take over Middle East peace efforts as U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice keeps finding cold shoulders. A quick review of Israeli newspapers shed new light on the recent Bush visit with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

Sec. Rice lobbied for Israel to agree in principle with Palestinian leader Abbas on a "shelf agreement" for peace. The U.S. diplomat argued the Palestinian people need hope that only a promise could provide. Olmert not only ignored her plea, he actively disagreed with her position according to Haaretz.

The disagreement between Rice and Olmert was evident at the White House lunch meeting given by President George W. Bush for Olmert and senior U.S. and Israeli aides.

This must have brought back bad memories for Condi. Just months ago she was ignored by Jordan, Egypt and Saudi Arabia as they brokered the now defunct Palestinian Unity government.

President Bush needs to ask why Condi wanders around ignored by the rest of the world? Is the promise of a "shelf agreement" no better than FEMA's 2005 plans for Hurricane rescue and recovery? The first 5 days post Katrina that's exactly where hospital patients in dead facilities sat, on the shelf...

Conaway Reveals Earmark

West Texas Congressman Mike Conaway was finally hounded into revealing the earmarks he submitted for inclusion in the current budget bill. He embarassingly said "I told you it didn't need public scrutiny."

Mike's Opaque Transparency

Rep. Mike Conaway attacked the political opposition in a recent e-mail to constituents for its lack of transparency regarding earmarks. His message stated:

"The irresponsibility and lack of transparency by the Democrats is a bad example of leadership. House Republicans passed strong earmark reform in the 109th Congress under the belief that if an earmark is worthy of one cent of the taxpayers’ money, it must be able to withstand public scrutiny and a full, transparent debate."

Yet, guess who won't share his list, who won't subject his requests to public scrutiny? Yep, the same man that just 5 days before smacked the opposition for bad leadership. I hope the boot fits, Mr. Conaway, cause you're chewing leather.

I wonder if he's not sharing his list given the threat of the President to veto unnecessary spending. Why get your constituents excited about billions for Texas when the titular head of your party may soon drop the axe?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Romney Raced to Bunker

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney walked briskly to breakfast in the bunker of the Mormon End Times Cult Building. "I wanted to be here as the signs are coming together. Brother is set upon brother, especially in the Republican presidential nomination group. Prophecy is coming true all around. The attacks on me by my fellow seekers are disturbing. But the good news is we can all agree the End Time will occur in early September 2008 in Minneapolis/St. Paul. I can't wait to see who will get the final reward?"

My Friend the Sand Scorpion

The United States pulled an old play out of its wartime playbook for use in Iraq. Commander George Bush called a TEOMEIMF or "the enemy of my enemy is my friend". This brought onto the field a rag tag, scuffy group of Sunni's known as the 1920s Revolution Brigades. Sunni fighters have provided critical intelligence information to the U.S. military on al Qaeda.

But U.S. officials defend the TEOMEIMF strategy, first tested in Afghanistan in the 1980's when America supported Afghan freedom fighters. That produced Osama bin Laden, our current enemy. What is the military's position on supporting a different batch of Sunni freedom fighters?

"They're grassroots, organized - even like neighborhood firemen - and they've decided they want a safe environment," said Brig. Gen. Mick Bednarek, deputy operations commander for the Army's 25th Infantry Division. "Will we leverage that? Darn right we will. And is it a potential risk? Sure it is - but it's one we're willing to take." I hope we don't cry when we get stung...

Confidential Report from Office of Global Communications

The White House established a an Office of Global Communications over 4 years ago. President Bush issued an executive order January 21, 2003 creating both an office and team to manage information and messages promoting U.S. positions abroad. The President charged it with using state of the art media and coordinating the creation of temporary teams of communicators for short-term placement in areas of high global interest and media attention.

The President did restrict the team from running wild around the world. "No information team shall be deployed abroad without prior consultation with the Department of State and the Department of Defense, and prior notification to the Office of the Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs." Please don't let the CIA's recent revelations of lying and behaving illegally over a thirty year period concern you! The Office of Global Communications has to be truthful, unless a lie would effect U.S. interests abroad! Confused?

Moving on, how well has the office worked since its establishment? This question is timely given the abysmal perception of the United State's government around the world. It turns out the office may have been used to manage domestic events as well.

As the flame rose under Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' backside, did the Global Communications Team gather next to the tattered sofa in the White House basement to create "a haze"? Is that what produced the "fuzzy memories" as they jammed to Purple Haze?

Did the Global Communications Office turn Fox News into the T & A News channel? Is that why the boys rely almost exclusively on Fox for their "news"?

What role has this office played in the puff pieces that turn citizens' heads away from Bush administration incompetence or malfeasance? Are they working on the next Anna Nicole Smith or Paris Hilton?

How will they vilify the next entertainment star who acts their conscience against America's international heavy handedness? Who will be the next "Hanoi Jane", still fresh after all these years? Did Global Communications reach down into Peru to smack Cameron Diaz for her totebag?

I'm sure they're busy trying to make Dick Cheney look like something other than a mad scientist's monster. And the challenge of making George Bush look, much less sound Presidential is a monumental task. But what is the Office of Global Communications really up to as they haven't updated their webpage since March of 2005? Is that information hidden beyond public eyes like the Vice President's office?

Hume & Anderson CIA Targets

While waiting for Brit Hume to weigh in on the CIA's tracking his movements in the 1970's, I ran across several different descriptions of his boss, Jack Anderson. CBS News call him a "muckraking" journalist while the conservative National Review called him "a man of enormous integrity".

In the story on his death, The Washington Post noted Jack Anderson called himself a muckraker. It said he taught his methods and techniques to numerous interns. Hmmmm, I can't wait for modern day muckraker Brit to weigh in...

Bush to Give Israel Doomsday Machine

President Bush issued a Presidential statement this past week declaring his strong support for Israel as a Jewish State. In it he proposed increased assistance to meet new threats and challenges. It also commited to maintaining Israel's qualitative military edge.

Ironically this past week, President Bush met with Dr. Strangelove at a nuclear facility. There he learned the only way to beat a nuclear weapon attack is via the Doomsday Machine, which virtually destroys the world. As Israel already has nuclear weapons, and as they already have discussed "the Samson option" of destroying their country rather than let Arab hoards overrun it, the logical next step is to spread that thinking globally.

In this light, President Bush approved the sale of one Doomsday Machine to the Jewish State. Both the U.S. President and Israeli Prime Minister will have access to the red button. The question is who will push it first?

White House Refines Torture Methods

Vice President Dick Cheney ordered the prisoner to assume a stress position and hold it until "he became transparent", something his office is unwilling to do. The V.P. went on to say "We chose the violin knowing how much you hate it. And that bow, it's made of defiling horsehair. Tell me when it hurts by crying out loudly. Then you can sing on your terrorist friends. Ji-had!"

Friday, June 22, 2007

States Have No Right to State Secrets

The federal government is asking a judge to dismiss lawsuits brought by five states concerning the Bush administration's domestic spying program. The handful of states asked telecommunications companies to reveal their participation in a warrantless eavesdropping program. Justice Department lawyers claim national security trumps any individual privacy rights.

In December 2005 President Bush confirmed the NSA has been conducting warrantless surveillance of calls and e-mails thought to involve al-Qaida terrorists if at least one of the parties to the communication is outside the United States. The administration contends the program is legal and necessary, but has been silent on whether purely domestic calls and electronic communications are being monitored, as many of the lawsuits allege.

So why not have an actual legal determination made by a court and end the contention? Could this be a deja vu given the CIA's historical dirty laundry exposition?

CIA Does Strange CYA

Next week the Central Intelligence Agency will reveal evidence of its past misdeeds. It plans to come clean on a number of plots from the 1950's to the 70's. It is "unflattering" but part of agency history, CIA chief Michael Hayden said. "This is about telling the American people what we have done in their name," Gen Hayden told a conference of foreign policy historians. Included on the list are such legally questionable items as:

1. The confinement of a Soviet defector in the mid-1960s
2. Assassination plots of foreign leaders, including Cuba's Fidel Castro
3. Wiretapping and surveillance of journalists (including Brit Hume)
4. Behaviour modification experiments on "unwitting" US citizens
5. Surveillance of dissident groups between 1967 and 1971
6. Opening from 1953 to 1973 of letters to and from the Soviet Union (including 4 letters to Jane Fonda according to CBS News); from 1969 to 1972 of mail to and from China

The point is to show the CIA hasn't followed the law in the past, so why should it do so now? Look over the list again and you'll find illegal confinement, government ordered murder, and spying on journalists as well as people exercising their rights to the free speech. Did you note how CBS worked the Jane Fonda communist link into their story supposedly defiling the CIA? And I'm sure Brit Hume will say it was a O.K. for the government to watch him as an young newsman under Jack Anderson. Somehow, we'll turn this into a patriotic parade.

So everybody look at the bright side. Torture is less than assassination, secret prisons are nothing new, and e-mail is just a modern day letter. As for "free speech", you'll have the same amount people have always had. You have the right to be monitored...

Lead Paint is People!

In a replay of the final scene of Soylent Green, I can picture a Charleton Heston like figure running through an empty city screaming "lead paint is people". Now how did the hero discover that lead paint is people?

First, he realized American coporations sent production to Chinese manufacturers to cut jobs formerly held by U.S. people. The cost savings drove corporate profits higher which increased CEO's incentive compensation (when nearly one third weren't cheating their shareholders, also known as people, by backdating stock options).

Chinese manufacturers understanding this same powerful profit motive did a little substitution of their own at another's expense. They replaced lead free paint as specified by the U.S. buyer with a cheaper leaded version.

In the ensuing profit bonanza who suffered? The people formerly employed in the U.S. took it on the chin first. Then the children who played with expensive leaded toys paid the next price. After learning of these connections the hero could only do one thing, warn the remaining masses! Lead paint is people! Lead paint is people!

Gitmo Meeting Postponed

A meeting of Presidential advisors to discuss the possible closing of Guantanamo Bay has been put off after the topic was leaked to the Associated Press. While a high priority, the President substituted this item on the agenda with his new round of cutesy nicknames for staffers. Any unwilling acceptors of their latest Bushism may be assigned to Gitmo. This is a significant escalation from last meeting's punishment of being kicked in the groin by the little African American boy from the Trigon commercial. This also rules out Condi Rice as she has no "penis" to be kicked. The rest of the boys are at risk.

The temporary closing of Gitmo has been postponed until war plans with Hamas, Hezbollah, Syria and Iran are finalized. It would behoove the invaders to have an empty prison to take all those new "enemy combatants". The little black boy will do the ribbon cutting for Guantanamo Bay's grand re-opening. I can just hear him as he closes the scissor blades, "There will be a lot of penis kickings here. These men will be injured bad!"

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Cheney Craps Exemptions

Vice President Dick Cheney frequently cites "the Unitary Executive" as the basis for growing the power of the Presidency. In direct contrast in his latest skirmish with the National Archives, Cheney said his office is "not an entity within the executive branch". When questioned about this seeming inconsistency, the V.P. suggested the reporter "Go ____ Yourself. I crap exemptions several times a day. It's part of my duty as V.P. I just dislodged a doodee especially for you to place in the National Archives. Now quit wasting my valuable executive time!" (The Vice President shut out the National Archive from Vice Presidential office records after 2002.)