Sunday, May 14, 2006

Falwell Proposes New Heterosexual, War Hero Teletubbie “Twilky Ilky”

Dear President Bush,

Rev. Jerry Falwell used the limelight of the Liberty University graduation to introduce his latest friend and deride a longtime foe. Jerry proudly introduced a proposed replacement Teletubbie, “Twilky Ilky”. Rather than a red purse “Twilky Ilky” carries an AK-47 assault rifle. Instead of a tutu, the black Teletubbie wears a camo colored jock strap with a gold cross emblazoned on the front.

In 1999 Rev. Falwell claimed “Twinky Winky” to be homosexual, citing his purple color, and triangle antenna as gay pride symbols. Twilky Ilky’s first assignment is to off Twinky Winky in hopes of replacing the gay scourge with a new Christian warrior version.

"I find the flat denial of such a portrayal by Teletubby's producers to be disingenuous and insufficient in answering the questions that have been raised about the Tinky Winky character since the series premiered in England," Falwell said. “For 7 years I have searched for a suitable replacement. Rev. Robertson and I even had our universities collaborate on researching the necessary manly characteristics desirable in a children’s puppet. That rigorous academic analysis produced Twilky Ilky. And I am most pleased to unveil him at our 2006 Liberty University graduation.”

In the press interview after the unveiling Twilky Ilky revealed his CIA background. The experienced terrorist hunter wears a photo of Osama bin Laden on the backside of his camo jock strap. Twilky commented “When I fart, he smells it” before giggling hysterically and shooting a round of automatic fire over the journalists' heads.

At that point the Rev. intervened, “Whoa Twilky! Save that ammo for Twinky. You may need it should he fall and roll. And Twilky did you take your medications today? You seem a bit on edge… We need you good to go for the Battle Cry gathering in Philadelphia. Those young Christian warriors need to know we won the first battle in this long war. I can’t wait to hear the 25,000 kids roar when we announce Twilky kicked Twinky’s ass!””

P.S. This post is totally fictitious except for the part where Rev. Falwell declared Twinky Winky dangerous to children. Any perceived similarities between Twilky Ilky and Presidential Candidate John McCain (who spoke at the graduation) exist only in the eye of the reader.

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