Friday, June 09, 2006

FAA Cites God Smacked Pat’s Plane Like a Gnat

(AP) The FAA released the preliminary results of its investigation into the crash of Rev. Pat Robertson’s LearJet. It crashed into the water on approach in heavy fog. After interviewing the passengers and reviewing flight data recorder information the investigation reached some conclusions. The plane did not have Rev. Robertson or any of Pat’s employees on it as it was being rented at the time.

A surviving passenger cited the heavy fog at the time of the crash. She said “It was very thick and difficult to see as we approached the airport. Then a large space cleared, we could hear a booming voice, and a huge hand came from the right side of the plane and smacked us down into the water. I think it said something about the United States being cursed.”

Both the pilot and co-pilot died in the tragic accident. The FAA conducted a complex investigation into why God might have wanted to smack this particular plane, as historically God has particularly bad aim, confusing messages, and poor timing. When angry about homosexuality in the United States, God sent infidel Muslims in planes to kill innocent people working in large office towers in New York. When still upset about homosexuality God sent a Hurricane to New Orleans several weeks before a planned huge gay gathering. Why didn’t God just wait for the gays to arrive and smite them then?

The FAA concluded God remains livid over homosexuality and this was a factor in Pat’s plane crash. Apparently one of the two surviving passengers is a homosexual. The other is an illegal immigrant. Both are curses on our country according to Rev. Pat and his followers, as well as the Texas Republican Party, of which God is the head. This made the investigation much easier as the FAA only needed to call the Texas headquarters to speak to God personally about the accident.

While short tempered, God did stay on the line long enough to point the FAA in the right direction as to why he smacked Pat’s plane into the drink. The Almighty quipped “Check out the prayer at the Republican Convention meeting for some insights and where it says alien add homo to go along with it. Put that in your burrito and smoke it!”

The prayer cited by God is as follows: "Lord, your words tell us there's a sign that this nation is under a curse, when the aliens (illegal immigrants and homos) who lives among us grows higher and higher and we grow lower and lower."

As the investigator finished his report he heard God’s booming voice “When they grows too high, I smacks ‘em down! And that is why I killed two innocent pilots, because of their passengers. Is that clear? Buckeye! You've been punked! Got you didn’t I? Man, you guys are so gullible. I hate to burst your bubble but I don’t see the distinctions between my children that so many of you make, I created them all and I love them all. But I did have a reason for crashing Pat’s plane. It’s a test. How would he interpret the act? What would he say in a tragic situation that involved people he knew, his property and not someone else’s? His silence on my motivation to date speaks wonders, does it not?”

P.S. This post is complete fiction, untrue, made up.

No comments: