Saturday, April 22, 2006

Letters, the Bio-Suit is Dudely Awesome!

April 22, 2006

Dear Letters,

I am so stoked! Mountain biking in the bio-suit was incredible. It is so aerodynamic I cut through the aero like Flash Gordon, except on a mountain bike. It kept me warm at the start of the ride with it being in the mountains of Northern California.

You are aware that I experienced no global warming this Earth Day. At high elevation the air is crisp and cool. When I mounted “Mountain Bike One” I knew it would be a great day. Riding with my merry men is always refreshing. They know who to let ride in front, in the poll position.

They thought I looked pretty funny in the bio-suit. I took the opportunity to jerk their chains telling them it is for impending radioactive fallout courtesy of Kim Jong-il. Then I made a loud ka-boom. The look in their eyes was priceless. How come I can’t get the Chinese or Iranian Presidents to quiver in my presence?

Anyway, the morning was cool and the suit a welcome insulator. However as the day went on I experienced some bio-suit warming and man made pollutants were a factor! That beef, bean, and jalapeno burrito I ate last night provided more than carbohydrates for pedaling, if you know what I mean.

You may read in the news how fast I tackled the course, how I did not fall while my merry men went down like bowling pins at the carnival in the mud and rocks. I have the bio-suit to thank for both. After breaking a most foul wind I rode like hell trying to leave it behind. Whoever set the controls had it on re-circulate, so suffer I did but it was one heck of an adrenaline shot. Have you ever had the rankest smell permanently stuck on your upper lip? That is what it felt like. I believe I have found a new way to make the terrorists talk.

You may be wondering why I didn’t fall and what that had to do with the bio-suit. Methane gas is denser than regular air thus it sinks (in addition to stinking). So the foulest odor resided below my waist. Had I taken a good spill, that unfresh bottom air would have shot right to the top of my suit. I couldn’t have that happen so balance became imperative.

At the end of the ride, my merry men were covered in mud, beat up and bruised. I finished first, as usual, invigorated by my ordeal. As we chatted afterwards, the merry men seemed impressed with the bio-suit. While they still ate my dust, they got a one day break from eating my emissions. Isn’t that what Earth Day is all about?


P.S Sorry I haven’t gotten around to your other two challenges. This upcoming hurricane season I will try out your 48 hour no food, no water, no shoes dare in a post landfall devastation zone. We will see how that "zero tolerance" holds up when I am dying of thirst and hunger!

P.P.S.S And I am working up the courage to “Do the Tube”, a la the hunger strike detainees in Guantanamo Bay. Maybe after the two day wander for food and water, I’ll be more open to that suggestion! Nobody wants to be force fed, even Congress! However as many of the legislators are getting older, even sporting dentures, they sometimes appreciate having their food pre-chewed!

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