Saturday, April 29, 2006

White House Memo: Double Secret Chinese Bovine Insurrection Program

Dear Letters,

Warning: after you open and read this memo, it will self destruct. You have 15 minutes to read this under the watchful eyes of the National Security Agency.

I wanted to respond to your concerns about the United States not having enough cows to do the job envisoned by Rummy. The NSA "secret spying on Americans here at home" program is the model for the Chinese Bovine Insurrection program (CBIP). The NSA only looks at foreign calls from Al-Qaeda, otherwise known as mad terrorists. Likewise, CBIP only uses foreign British diseased cattle. As they speak English, it makes the training process easier. The only drawback is the cost to repair their teeth. Without a new set of porcelain veneers, the cattle could never pass as American!

The British Mad Cows are transported to the United States on rendition return flights. It is a more efficient use of secret tax monies. A person with an Arab sounding name is flown to one of our secret prisons in Europe or Asia, dropped off and tortured. On the way back the crew stops off at Heathrow to pick up an unspecified quantity of British Mad Cow(s). We attack the Islamic fundamentalist terrorist threat on the way over and the Chinese Red Economic Storm on the return flight.

The English cows learn insults particularly goading to a rural Chinese farmer, the kind of thing their higher income urban counterpart might say. “Hey bloke, can’t you afford a real pair of knickers? And where is your cell phone? What no plasma TV? Have I been Shanghai-ed? Take me back to Hong Kong!” (This builds on the rich history of Bristish verbal abuse begun in Hong Kong.) Pilot testing reveals it takes the average Chinese peasant farmer two weeks to crack, pick up his hoe and protest.

I know you are worried about numbers as my Ag Sec. suggests only 4 to 7 infected cows are in the U.S. domestic cattle supply. While the number of foreign mad cows is classified, you can do the math. If the CIA picks up two cows on every return rendition flight and over 1,500 such flights have occurred, how many BMC’s (British Mad Cows) are there? Pardon me! I phrased that incorrectly as I am the only BMC, Big Man in the Capital! If you can figure out that question about the number of mad cows for export to China write me back. Losing sleep counting cows is not any fun. I am up to the 300th flight, only 1,200 more to go! 2+2+2+2....

Just as the NSA does what the hell it wants, under my direct "decision maker" orders the Chinese Bovine Insurrection Program has carte blanche to pull down the Chinese social and economic fabric, revealing their seamy yellow underbellies.

The best news is who will be executing this strategy. Sec. Rumsfeld hired the Pennsylvania T-ball Coach and the Head Team builder from Alarm One to craft our China strategy, so we are in good hands or at least a few women’s butts are! If they can harm and intentionally humiliate their own team mates, think what they can do to the Chinese.

Bless this filet mignon I am about to eat from our domestic cattle supply, note I did not say foreign!


P.S. Almost nothing in this ficitional post is true! The only accurate statement is the estimate of 4 to 7 diseased cows.

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