Friday, April 21, 2006

Secret Chinese U.S. Trade Deal Accomplished

April 21, 2006

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on yet another leak from the White House, this one on a secret trade agreement penned by you and Chinese President Hu Jintao. In return for importing Chinese poultry potentially infected with bird flu, the Chinese have dropped their ban on American beef, imposed over concerns about Mad Cow disease.

A secret tape of internal White House proceedings revealed the President saying:

President George W. Bush: “This agreement is historic in the same sense as Richard Nixon’s opening up diplomatic relations with the People’s Republic of China. Dammit, who wrote this? I specifically said no more Nixon references!”

(The sound of rustling paper can be heard in the background…)

..”If I might start over. This agreement is historic in the same sense as Ronald Reagan’s deinstitutionalizing the mentally ill in America. Just as they were given their freedom to live life as homeless, street people, this trade deal will allow our Mad Cows the freedom to travel to China, even the freedom to live there. It will get those troublemaker cattle out of our back yard.”

“In return the United States has agreed to accept Chinese poultry that could have the bird flu. With our American medical system the tops in the world, and Scott Paper the maker of Puffs, we can provide those Chinese chickens a little treatment and comfort during their stay in our country. Think of it as a little “chicken soup” for the little chickens. We get the better end of the trade deal. What are a few sick chickens vs. a herd on crazy cows?”

(At this point Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld joins the group and passes a memo to the President.)

“Brilliant, Don. Who comes up with these ideas? This Mad Cow thing has a military component. In order to destabilize the countryside, the democracy loving American Mad Cows will be sent to rural, farming areas. Those folks are already upset about the greater income earned by urban workers.

The Department of Defense will train the Mad Cows to incite the poor Chinese farmers. They will act like they lived high on the hog in an urban household before being transferred to their rural dung heap. Ceaselessly the cows will verbally berate their rural owner. Over time, this will cause the Chinese peasant farmers to snap, join together and commit insurrection. Shouts of “Cows treated better than farmers” will ring through the countryside. “I want my Plasma T.V. If it is good enough for a cow it is good enough for me!”

(More rustling paper….)

“Dang it, Don! Do you always have to see the dark side? It is a report on the Chinese poultry. It appears intelligence has discovered the birds are susceptible to the flu because they have spent weeks training in a terrorist camp that produces fissionable material. The combination of stressful exercise in a highly radioactive environment weakens their immune system. The photos of the trailers used by these terrorist birds are damning proof of their evil intent. One can clearly see the beak sharpening equipment. Don, how do you recommend we proceed with this threat?

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: “Well, Mr. President, the situation is tricky. Darn, another unintended Nixon reference. My apology sir! The situation is difficult, hard both to understand and to address in a comprehensive way. These birds are products of their environment. They have been fed propaganda from the time they were little chicks. How do you counteract that with information so limited, so constrained in Red China?

We propose a two pronged strategy. One we use Yahoo! to set up what looks like an official Chinese web site for chickens. Except this page will have a small kernel of corn in the upper right hand corner. When the chicken clucks on the kernel, it takes them into our secret National Security Agency database. There they will get more pieces of corn if they give us information on their terrorist network, details of their terrorist chicken plots. That way we will already know about the chickens before they get to American soil. A dossier will exist on each potential Chinese bird import.

The second prong is to import the chickens through Mexico, bringing them across our southern border. Mexico is known for two things, rich corrupt politicians/businessmen and legions of poor hungry people trying to get by. By routing this cargo through Mexico, we can guarantee most of it never makes it the U.S. The rich will skim off 1/3 of the product to fund their graft and influence buying. As the chicken trucks make their way through the Mexican countryside we expect half the load to disappear at traffic lights and fuel stops.

This means only 17% of the Chinese terrorist chickens will reach the southern border. Without proper identification, these chickens can be turned away. Those determined chickens will still try to enter U.S. soil to spread their radioactive bird flu. They will have to cross the Rio Grande, long stretches of dry desert, and avoid the hungry illegals doing the same. Our guess is that less than 1% of the Chinese terrorist chickens will actually reach the United States.

By the time they do so in enough numbers to be infectious, we believe our democracy loving Mad Cows will have worked their magic. China will be overwhelmed by internal strife, while we hand some Tamiflu and Puffs to a handful of sick chickens. Did I fail to mention once the birds are healed, they will gather in front of the White House to present you with roses?

President George W. Bush: “Greeting me with roses, how nice! Can we have a mission accomplished banner at that celebration?”

“I don’t see why not?” replied the Secretary.

P.S. This post is ficition, all except the U.S. importing Chinese poultry and the Chinese dropping their ban on American beef due to mad cow disease concerns

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