Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Welfare Mom who Took Down Wall Street

The SEC and FBI search frantically for the mother who took down five Wall Street firms. New York post offices display wanted signs for Shaquilla Hall, a former welfare mother. This reporter was able to obtain an exclusive interview with Ms. Hall.

State of Division (SOD): Lyndie England became the face of American torturing of Iraqi prisoners, now you're the face who took down Wall Street?

Shaquilla: Don't compare me to that dumb white bitch! White trash like her spend money on trailers. Not me! I got more taste than that. Look at this gold tooth!

SOD: It's very pretty. How did you get the money?

Shaquilla: Bill Clinton hepped me first. I had a little socked away when that welfare-to-work program hit. Lordy, lordy, did that end up a gift horse. I got a job delivering sandwiches. You know, those investment bankers eat while working.

SOD: I'm confused, how did a minimum wage job provide you the means to take down a multi-trillion dollar industry?

Shaquilla: Would you shut up and let me talk? It was the dot com bubble. I saw it burst. Those mens was crying in their sandwiches. Being sensitive and all, I aksed them "what's wrong?" You can learn alot by aksing questions. That's when I began watching market fluctuations.

SOD: That still doesn't explain the money.

Shaquilla: For that, I have to thank George Bush. Banks never sent me shit before he got in office. It seemed like every other day, I got an offer in the mail. I accepted every solicitation. That gave me my "cash kitty". The boys on Wall Street let you leverage that further when investing.

SOD: Don't they charge high interest?

Shaquilla: Sure they do! But look at this bling, bling. It shines too. Interest is just something shiny corporations get to show off. And it's tax deductible, too!

SOD: So you got a pot of borrowed money, opened an account, then leveraged it with margin loans. What happened next?

Shaquilla: I saw Lehman Brothers put in that sign that changes colors. I knew they couldn't afford that. So last summer I purchased a bunch of Lehman credit default swaps. Then I shorted the pig.

SOD: Huh?

Shaquilla: Honey, you don't know shit. Ain't you ever gambled? I bet Lehman would fail, then I drove them into the ground with my heel. That $100,000 credit default swap, turned into $10 million when Lehman declared bankruptcy. I had six of them. Plus, I shorted the stock at $65 and bought it back for 30 cents a share.

SOD: That explains Lehman, what happened to AIG, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Morgan Stanley Goldman Sachs, and Washington Mutual?

Shaquilla: Two things. I started me a posse of welfare moms. They was easy to train. They know how to game a system. But the man was onto us, changing rules and all. We had to run our shorts through South Africa, as most exchanges banned the practice.

SOD: Who does your posse have in its sights? Who's your next victim, assuming you aren't caught and tried like that dumb white woman?

Shaquilla: I gots me a plan. Me and the girls are loading up the plasma TVs into the back of our Cadillacs. Lordy, that thing is heavy, even with a gang! We're going to put those credit default swaps in the trunk and drive right through the plate glass doors of ...."

Blam! The sound of a concussion grenade was followed by billowing smoke. By the time I got reoriented, there was no sign of Shaquilla Hall. Had the authorities tracked her down? If so, why didn't they confiscate my digital recorder. Don't tell me, Shaquilla set off another credit bomb...

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