Dear President Bush,
We corresponded last summer on the rash of apologies demanded by politicians in Washington, D.C. for offensive statements said by rivals. After probing my contacts, I found out Harry Potter cast an Apologus Demandus spell over the Capital. The only way to break the spell was to have the evil BumbleMort cast a sincere apology for his nefarious words. Despite your mobilizing the significant intelligence assets of the U.S. government, Bumblemort’s identity remains a secret. At one point evidence pointed to Rep. Tom Tancredo who suggested nuking Mecca, but that theory failed and the key to resolving the spell remains a secret.
It appears the spell has grown in strength as it spread from the Capital to the White House. Your press minion, Tony Snow asserted that Senator John Kerry should apologize for “insulting the troops”. Having read Mr. Kerry’s words, I believe he insulted you and your advisors as opposed to the troops. He also commented on job opportunities available to people with only a high school degree.
My question to you is “do you think Senator Kerry is Bumblemort?” If he gives a sincere apology will the spell be broken? Or do you think Tony Snow is the secret sinister figure? After all he suggested Kerry “put gasoline on the fire” of an already sizzling election. That analogy right after 4 firefighters died in Southern California is pure Bumblemort, sinister and slippery.
Watching the negative campaign commercials, I realize many candidates qualify for “he who shall not be named”. Yet there is so little time to identify the evildoer and enact a sincere apology. Good thing you changed our interrogation techniques as the old ones likely wouldn’t work on the embodiment of evil. Will you waterboard Bumblemort into a contrite position? Or will you microwave him into that sincere apology?
If he doesn’t survive the torture, ooopps, I mean tough interrogation techniques then the world may be destined to an endless stream of politically offensive statements followed by demands for an apology. So have your minions be careful with prospective Bumblemorts!
P.S. My money is on Dick Cheney as “he who shall not be named”. What do you think?
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