New Reality Show “So You Think You Can Decide”

Inspired by the competition “You Think You Can Dance”, the Bush White House is stepping all over its own toes as it sponsors “So You Think You Can Decide?” The first season’s competition will be on Iraq and feature President Bush, V.P. Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Bob Gates. President Bush and ex. Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have practiced their moves over the last 4 years and should be quite accomplished. New Defense Chief Bob Gates is at a distinct disadvantage.

Let the "decision off" begin:

President Bush and V.P. Cheney joined hands in the Oval Office for a waltz. After a few minutes of gazing into each other’s eyes, they pair broke apart and began rapping. With Dick making spitting noises and swinging his arms about wildly, the president challenged lawmakers not to prematurely condemn his buildup with his "I'm the decision maker" on troop levels rap.

After bouncing up and down and changing positions from front to back, the duo closed their rap with Vice President Dick Cheney saying ”Yo, da buildup will proooo-ceeeeed even if yo stinking resolution passes like bad gas after downing a jalapeno beef & cheese burrito!” The V.P. then introduced his Secretaries of Defense saying “I believe their record speaks for itself”. The crowd quickly pulled out air freshener unsure if the Veep had passed bad gas or the odor came from “the stinky record” to which he referred.

Rumsfeld and Gates were supposed to compete as a team but bad blood turned their act into two solos. Now retired Rumsfeld chose a ballad titled “I’m the finest Secretary of Defense the world has ever had, at least according to Dick Cheney.” After the audience booed "warbling Donald" off the stage,Gates came last with his act.

Bob tried to solo but seemed a bit off key as he alluded to his predecessor, Donald H. Rumsfeld, in singing “the performance of generals like Casey, should be evaluated in the context of the decisions, made by their civilian superiors." His second verse: "The battlefield they faced, was shaped by those decisions." After closing on a high note, Bob took a bow.

Not only did the contestants want the audience to cheer solely for them, they warned any applause for competitors would embolden their position in the reality show. All agreed the booing of Sec. Rumsfeld would hurt troop morale as no one wants to battle after a high pitched, out of tune fight song. They feared it would embolden the terrorists to work on their singing skills.

After this round the audience wanted to dump all contestants, but rules provided for only one to go home. One audience member even said "where are the generals on the ground as aren't they the real decision makers?" Bush had no answer that made sense.

The audience declined free tickets for the next performance, calling the first one “embarrassing enough” for our country. Stay tuned for “So You Think You Can Decide?” and be sure to look and see if anyone at all is cheering…