Next Bush Target, Lantern Sodden

"Karl, the next guy we need to attack in an unsavory manner is that #@*^# blogger Lantern Sodden. He chaps my ass! How did he know I ordered foul mouthed Fran to ix-nay the Carlyle Groupay from the LL report on Hurricane-ay Katrina-ay? And how did he find out I skipped serving in Vietnam so I wouldn't have a conflict of interest in withdrawing U.S. troops from a successful victory over communism during my second term? Does he read my mind? Is he tapping into my reality? Whatever, just be sure to get his State of the Division blog shut down. Use copyright violations like we did on that gossip blogger. Sue him for millions and use RNC funds to pay the legal fees like with did with that Tobin fellow. As an independent Lantern has no deep pocket. After a few minutes with attorneys from Baker Botts, he'll be screaming bankruptcy. While I've already protected drug companies from liability, bloggers are still fair game! Screw the free press and the little guy!"

For those people wondering why President Bush would take such an action, peruse away and if motivated check out Sodden's two published books before they disappear from the Library of Congress, New Suits for World Leaders and One Fist. Two Fist, Red Fist, Blue Fist. Will we soon see each other on a rendition flight? Likely not as we'll both be hooded. Hopefully no one will be sitting on our chest. Yes, this is the state of our division...

Bush Said It "He Rules"

As for a future Scooter Libby pardon on top of his wiped away 30 months in jail, President Bush said "As to the future, I rule nothing in and nothing out."

Apparently the President is aware that extrinisic motivators diminish over time. More and more needs to be offered to get the "desired behavior", which in this case could be silence. Will the remarkably tight lipped Scooter stay that way? With a plum private equity or Wall Street job, a full pardon, and a $250,000 rebate courtesy of Uncle Sam, the price could be right. Where's Bob Barker when you need him?

Bush's Grant of Executive Clemency Worth Reading

The White House website published President Bush's Grant of Executive Clemency for Lewis "Scooter" Libby. For those who want the real SOD skinny read below:

WHEREAS Lewis Libby was convicted in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia in the case United States v. Libby, Crim. No. 05-394 (RBW), for which a sentence of 30 months' imprisonment, 2 years' supervised release, a fine of $250,000, and a special assessment of $400 was imposed on June 22, 2007;

WHERAS I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, don't give a hoot about the U.S. whether it be the District Court or the Independent Prosecutor, who I personally appointed, I do hereby grant Scooter Libby one of my Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly Cards pursuant to my powers under Article II, Section 2, of the Bush soiled Constitution. By commuting the prison terms imposed by the sentence upon the said Lewis Libby to expire immediately, I hereby crap on the U.S. legal system, but pretend I don't by leaving intact and in effect the two-year term of supervised release, with all its conditions, and all other components of the sentence. The parole is to be served alongside Paris Hilton via shared ankle bracelets. I hereby require Mr. Libby to personally send me any videos produced by said pair of parolees while showering.

IN WITNESS THEREOF, I have hereunto set my royal hand this second day of July, in the year of our Lord, damn that was a close lightning strike, two thousand and seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first, and the sixth year since our Constitution became optional.

KING GEORGE W. BUSH

A Conspiracy Theorist Couldn't Make This Up

Hospital patients suffered mightily for 5 days in Memorial Hospital's LifeCare Unit after Hurricane Katrina's landfall. As a separate hospital organization LifeCare employed doctors and nurses to care for patients while contracting with Tenet's Memorial for other services. Doctors were credentialed and given specific privileges to provide care for LifeCare's long term acute care patients. Nurses had to meet basic competencies for hire and needed to show on an ongoing basis their ability to perform their duties. None of this went away after Hurricane Katrina struck as both LifeCare and Memorial implemented their disaster plans.

Yet, somehow in the aftermath LifeCare administrators couldn't keep Memorial clinicians away from their patients. A number of patients were reported euthanized and both a doctor and nurses have been criminally charged.

The company would have us believe their legal duty to patients evaporated upon the disaster decree of President Bush and the arrival of FEMA reps in New Orleans. However this unusual defense follows other strange happenings in this case. The most notable is the White House Lessons Learned report's failure to mention the hospital with the highest number of patient deaths post Katrina. Such an obvious omission raised questions in my mind over a year ago, including what benefit might Carlyle get in those wrongful death civil lawsuits from federal silence?

The public heard nothing from crackerjack White House "investigators"on hospital patient evacuations other than a few hero stories. This lack of information grew when a court sealed a settled civil suit between the two hospital companies, LifeCare and Tenet. The two firms divided up responsibility for the aftermath, but the public remains in the dark.

Now Carlyle's ace legal team is trying to move the case to federal court away from any sympathetic jurors. If approved, appeals would lead to the newly business friendly Supreme Court. Are patients like class action shareholders or taxpayers?

If the White House and Carlyle are in cahoots over this case how might it run? First, the feds don't weigh in at all on the Carlyle sub's actions. Check, done that. Second, blame it on the federal government thus increasing the chances of going through friendlier federal courts. Check, done that. Third, have the feds blame state and local authorities for not evacuating patients as required by FEMA. Ditto, completed. Fourth, the federal court throws out the cases or rules against plaintiffs because the federal government is not liable. Fifth, let the process run long enough that all statutes of limitations run.

Three down, two to go. I'm sure a more astute legal mind could add or detract from this scenario. As a hospital administrator who endured for days in a river flooded 725 bed hospital in Virginia and evacuated a Texas Gulf Coast 150 bed facility before then record Hurricane Gilbert, I may empathize with patients and staff enduring in such horrific conditions. I find it hard to round up any compassion for the bureaucrats writing drivel in the Lessons Learned report or for Carlyle's attorneys making up patently ridiculous defenses.

For those watching today's business news, do you want The Carlyle Group owning one of the largest long term care chains in the U.S.? They just signed a deal to acquire Manor Care. Will they do any better post disaster with Manor Care patients than they did with LifeCare's? We already know they claim no liability for the later. Someone should challenge the acquisition on this basis alone...

Private Contractors Take Half of Bush's Fish

President Bush reels in only half of a fish as contractors took the other half right off the top. Number 43 stated "My goal is for the private sector to eventually take the whole fish, dramatically mark it up and pass it off as government provided fish. Should it rot in this process, that would just be typical ineffective federal bureaucracy." For those paying attention, Mr. President, things already stink.

Bush the Magician

President Bush's floating head used the Law of Attraction to make his watch reappear after its disappearance in Albania. "I used the Secret to get my favorite watch back, well that and taxpayer's money. The ethereal Secret? It's called ka-ching and I'm swimming in it. I'm surrounded by it at this very moment. How else would I look so detached to the average citizen?"

Bush's Treatment of Soldiers

The President who launched a pre-emptive war remains unprepared to take care of the soldiers sent to battle with a dangerous enemy. CBS News reported on the Pentagon's woeful response to the massive mental health needs of returning soldiers. This comes on top of an earlier story regarding Tricare's lack of mental health providers in large sections of America.

Recall the President's words in 2005:

"In every generation, members of our Armed Forces have answered the call of service in our Nation's hour of need. These patriots have defended our freedom and way of life, triumphed over brutal enemies, and answered the prayers of millions."

Yes they have, Mr. President. As a result of that call 31 percent of Marines, 38 percent of soldiers and 49 percent of the National Guard reported psychological symptoms such as anger, depression or alcohol abuse after returning home. So what has the Bush administration done to meet this need?

According to the Pentagon survey on mental illness, there have been "dramatic decreases in the number of military health professionals" since the war started. And perhaps the most damning finding: The Pentagon "currently lacks both funding and personnel to adequately support the psychological health of service members and their families."

Add their unwillingness to pay counselors in the private sector a fair rate and soldiers have little option. Most will simply go without. Welcome to the future of Bush healthcare in America.

Who Will Be the Next Bin Laden?

President Bush and General Dempsey discuss progress in Iraq. "General, which Sunni insurgent will become the next Osama bin Lanen in ten to twenty years? You remember the guy that likes to hide under my podium, well he grew from Reagan's strategy of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend.' It's a good thing I left Osama alone as Russia's becoming a problem again."

"Yes Mr. President, you are a wise man."

"Here's another kernel of Bisdom. I combined Bush with wisdom, get it?" The general nodded as his Commander in Chief continued. "As a matter of fact, our policy of supporting bad guys 'cause of a common foe is how America grew Saddam Hussein. That's before I got the bug in my shorts to take him out. Did you know Dick Cheney snuck the bug in there?"

"No sir, but I'm not surprised. I understand Dick Cheney bugs alot of people."

"You don't know the half of it. He might be listening to us right now. Oh, did I introduce you to the Vice President's new assistant? She took Scooter's place. Oh, and pay no attention to the microphone."

Freedom to Cheat Investors

President Bush personally weighed in with a "hook 'em" regarding an investor lawsuit for securities fraud. Bush cheered loudly for dirty corporate chiefs and Wall Street investment houses helping to defraud shareholders.

He stated it's important to reduce "unnecessary lawsuits" as he ignored the advice of 30 state attorney generals. Bush talked with the Soliciter General who represents the government's views before the Supreme Court about the case. Guess who stood down as the deadline to join the suit passed? I'm sure that saved the Soliciter a butt chewing.

So why would the President be concerned about whether investors can pursue lawsuits to recover investment losses if they can prove collusion between Wall Street institutions and scandal-ridden companies? Why shouldn't such groups get their day in court? Who does George W. want to protect?

The case Bush bullied the Solicter General "to remain mum on" sits before the Supreme Court. Their ruling will determine the future status of stalled Enron lawsuits.

State attorney generals are trying to look after the small investor. "Our system of monitoring and eliminating securities fraud would be severely undermined" if the parties who could have pulled the plug on Enron "get to walk away," the state attorneys general wrote.

Bush doesn't care about this system. The SEC currently is letting hundreds of companies off the hook for stock option backdating. Most CEO's who benefitted mightily at the expense of these same shareholders are walking away with fines at best. With no admission of guilt, the handful that loose their job are free to work again.

The other strategy is to work around the SEC completely. During Bush's term private equity firms have ballooned. By taking companies private they can avoid securities regulations altogether. The Carlyle Group grew from a $3.5 billion firm to over $58.5 billion in managed assets during the Bush Presidency.

Are we headed back to the roaring twenties? George W. seemed to like wearing that White Tie. Will he be the Great Gutsby, Clutzby or Dumby? No matter which way he covers for his rich friends, it all adds up to a PEU!

Results of Another Bush Investigation

Defense Secretary Robert Gates shared the results of the Bush investigation into placing radar and a missile defense system elsewhere per Russia's request. "We decided the plan as given to us by King Bush, the ruler of the freedh world, was good. He held the Russian alternative in his hands for six days before resting. Even without reading the analysis, the decider used the brain in his gut so hard it got a little inflammed, thus the freedhem. It said to proceed as planned, Russia can just bugger off."

This follows the pattern of Bush investigative whitewashes and non-investigations. Russia remained silent, flabbergasted by the Pentagon's audacity. The reasons for the mainstream media's silence on the pattern of shabby investigations is still unclear.

Bush Reads Investigative Report

"Damn I didn't do shit after Hurricane Katrina, did I? You'd think the hospital with the largest number of patient deaths would be mentioned in this Lessons Learned report. Huh? That's right LifeCare had just been bought by the Carlyle Group! You got to cover for your friends and Fran did a bang up job. But did she curse as she created this whitewash? That woman can almost keep up with me in profanity!"

Who's Pulling the Strings?

If Alberto Gonzales is a wooden ventriloquist doll spouting someone else's lines and President Bush is a marionette whose strings are pulled from above, who is behind the scenes guiding both puppets? Could it be master rapper MCRove?

Bush's Alberto McCarthy Doll

President Bush used ventriloquism to arm his wooden doll Attorney General with the right words. The puppeteer started the conversation with "Alberto, They can have their votes of no-confidence but it's not going to make the determination about who serves in my government."

"You da boss! I serves at ya pleasure as does all political appointees."

"That's right Alberto. Now who do we work for?"

"Da people. I'm gonna focus on what da American people expect of the attorney general of the United States and dis great Department of Justice."

"Yes little Mr. Gonzales, that's right. Now Congress should ask themselves why I'd trade in my favorite puppet just cause they think you're a little wooden in your testimony."

"Dat's right boss. Congress should ask demselves dat question."

Bush Applies Freedhem by the Handful

President Bush remarked proudly on the many doses of Freedhem he's applied around the world. The question is which one will be the next Osama bin Laden, who the U.S. aided in Afghanistan's efforts to end Soviet puppet rule? My bet is on the Sunni insurgents who turned on "Al Qaeda in Iraq" in order to get U.S. soldiers to leave. Bush better hope they don't hear about his South Korea analogy!

Competence Not a Requirement

President Bush defended his embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales from a symbolic Senate vote of "no confidence". In the investigation of the firings of eight state attorney generals the White House has been much less than forthcoming. So what does the President do to defend his chief legal minion? He blames the process for dragging out too long, for being too political. Bingo on both, only the accuser is the "pot calling the kettle black".

The testimony of Mr. Gonzales has been laughable for someone supposedly in charge of an important government function. His fuzzy memories have shed no light on critical decision making processes used in the Justice Department. Apparently this batch of attorneys doesn't know how to keep notes, write memos, summarize phone calls and keep files, paper or electronic. Either that or they don't know how to access them to refresh their memories before testifying in front of the people's legislature.

White House pressman Tony Snow pulled out the taffy analogy yet again. Does he spend his time at the Jersey shore, famous for its Salt Water Taffy? What Tony and his rich friends don't understand is how much this story resonates with the average employee. Many workplaces have a dysfunctional power head like Bush and a slithering minion aid similar to Gonzales. People spend their ten hours a day trying to stay on the good side of number one and avoid number two altogether. So Tony, you're wrong. America is sick of sorry leaders at work and at the federal level. Bush's approval ratings are a clear indication.

How Would You Like Your Weapons?

President Bush asks the Bulgarian President how he would like his American aid in return for allowing a U.S. military base in his country. "Would you like that in weapons or American products? Cluster bombs or penicillin to treat gonorrhea? By the way, your hooker community should experience rapid growth. Ask our friends in Okinawa. And pay no attention to those stories of our military letting in people with criminal records. It's a pleasure doing business with you, Georgi."

Soldiers Suffer Needless Mental Health Delays

President Bush failed soldiers returning home from Iraq, roughly one third of whom seek mental health counseling in their first year home. Military health insurance, privatized through Tricare is "hindered by fragemented rules and policies, inadequate oversight and insufficient reimbursement in its psychological health benefits" according to a Defense Department Task Force.

What did the Bush administration and Congress do to help troops coming home? The President who loves supply and demand in the oil sector, cut mental health provder fees by 6.4% this year as part of an "adjustment". The fees paid by Tricare were already lower than those paid by private insurers.

Of course the bureaucrats don't claim responsibility and do their best to fudge the numbers. One quality manager said "providers just are not willing to sign up to take Tricare assignment, and that is a problem." Most quality experts focus on causes of bad outcomes and work to remove their cause, apparently not those employed by the federal government and its contractors.

The basic plan known as Tricare Standard requires the patient to pay 20% of the amount Tricare pays the therapist. For a psychologist charging $150 an hour, Tricare adjusts it down to a usual customary rate of $120. Those eligible for this rate would receive $79.20. Under the Standard program $16 of that would be paid by the patient leaving Tricare to pay $63. That is 42% of the provider's full fee.

After engineering a $6 billion government givaway in his 2005 Energy Bill, President Bush continues to defend gasoline price hikes. At least in this market he planned to deal with the supply side by boosting exploration. He makes no such effort in health care. Cutting fees for mental health counseling for veterans is classic Bush. However he consistently cheers for greater corporate profits, whether those are in the energy or health insurance sectors.

What price are U.S. veterans paying for delayed or inaccessible mental health care? Some might be paying with their life.

Bush Tells Democracy Jokes

President Bush tells Albanian Prime Minister Sali Berisha "and then I told Vladimir no backsliding on democracy. Here's the kicker. I did it with a double secret signing statement while standing in an undisclosed super secret CIA prison." Sali responded with "you da man!"

Bush Displays Bird Dropping Defense System

While standing with Italian leader Romano Prodi, President Bush spied the same threat that bombed him weeks ago in the White House Rose Garden. Determined not to get pooped on again the U.S. President employed his new state of the art bird dropping defense system. It also has offensive capabilities. A simple flip of the hand enables it to perform bird flipping manuevers. President Bush executed a double middle finger salute to Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G-8. Vladimir needed his W. dictionary to know "we'll look into it" means "file it in the circular file and if you bring it back up, there'll be an butt chewing."

Bush's Commandments

U.S. President George Bush presented Pope Benedict XVI a walking stick made by a homeless Texas man with the 10 Commandments inscribed in various colors. The President added "When someone breaks a commandment, Benny, you just pop 'em over the head with the stick. Try and see if it doesn't make you feel better. He didn't add an 11th commandment 'thou shalt not start a pre-emptive war', did he? He, he, he. Oh, don't mind the blood, Vladimir broke my first commandment: There is only one superpower and I'm leading it. For having the gallaciousness to challenge our missile defense system in Poland, I rapped Putty over the head at the G-8. The reverberation hurt my hands. Those Russians have hard heads, even harder mine. At least that's what my able assistant Karl Rove tells me. He even picked out this present for you. What's that? No, Karl isn't a Catholic. He belongs to that Catholic splinter group, the Church of Henry VIII's genitalia."