Sunday, July 17, 2011

ASU's Ninja Turtle Secretarial Elimination

It's the bad dream that won't go away.  The last installment had host Nancy Allen and ASU's VP's judging a "mujer y mujer" fight for secretarial positions along the lines of The Secretarial Apprentice.  Dream themes frequently change, as did my latest on organizational trauma at Angelo State.

Last night's horror had President Rallo call out, "I ordered a 1 for 2 reverse secretarial job split.  Who will give it to me?  Where are my implementers!?"

Rallo's four Vice President's ran forward.  Rallo turned into a giant rat, while his VP's turned into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Limbaugh, now Turtle Planman L told his fellow VP's:

In this you must never lapse.  Even those who would be our allies would not understand.  Our domain is the shadow.  Stray from it reluctantly.  For when you do, you must strike hard and fade away without a trace.
Four VP Turtles formed a protective circle around Rat Rallo, weapons drawn.  Turtle Bearnereid jabbed his budget daggers in the air, saying "I shall incise any leech-like, excess costs draining our university's life blood?"

"Excess costs!  You know how much I hate those," screamed Rat Rallo, with spit flying from his lips.  Turning red in the face, Rallo ordered, "Round up the secretaries!" 

Four VP turtles slipped from shadow to shadow in search of excess office staff.  Turtle Rent-a-VP neared a group of students.  One student commented to his peers, "Didn't the VP's just get $30,000 raises, roughly the annual pay for a secretary?"

Turtle Rent-a-VP, with his superior hearing, overheard the off-putting remark.  He used his twin swords to stab the student in the gut.  Rent-a-VP followed up with a lecture, "Young man, your pitiful analysis failed to account for fringe benefits.  By the way, we Turtles earned our raises! Don't you know it;s hard to find and keep good administrators?"

The student pointed his bloody finger at Rent-a-VP, stammering "Are you nuts?"  Rent-a-VP replied, "No, but when you point your finger at someone, four point back at you."

The student looked down at his hand.  "Turtlebrain, you're wrong.  Only three point back at me."  When the student looked up, Rent-a-VP had disappeared. 

In the 104 degree temperature Turtle Blows felt hot inside his suit. Blows tried to focus on the list in his hand, the one identifying two secretaries he needed to retrieve.  Blows felt compelled to fulfill his mission.  Otherwise, rival VP's would gain favor with Rat Rallo.

Blows tried to catch his breath, but each inhale seemed to come from an automobile exhaust pipe, oppressively hot and toxic.  The heat overtook Blows, who crumpled to the ground.

Crone Nancy Allen saw Blows collapse.  She knelt to remove Blows' turtle head, taking a big draw from her cigarette as she worked.  Red hot ash fell, igniting the turtle mask.  Crone Nancy used her purse to beat the flames, as Blows arms and legs flailed.

With the flames out, Crone Nancy worked the turtle head free.  A relieved Blows said, "Thank God, I'm free from that damned mask.  I feel so weak."

Allen blew a huge puff of smoke into Blows face.  Blows grimaced.

"Let's get you out of that hot suit," offered Crone Nancy, as she tugged hard, attempting to remove the suit from Blows' torso, then legs.

Blows pleaded, "Help me." 

Crone Nancy replied, "People say I have the vocabulary of a surgeon.."

A glimmer of hope flashed in Blows eyes.  His outstretched hand, holding the list, reached toward Nancy.

Crone Nancy, cradling the turtle suit in her arms, asked, "Can I deliver that note for you?"

Blows released his grip on the list.

With the paper secure in her smoke-stained fingers, Crone Nancy curled her lips.  She cackled, "You should know better than to believe an evil witch!  #%@^!"

Cradling the turtle suit and the note, Crone Nancy ran toward the office of Brian May. as fast as her blackened lungs enabled.

Eventually, four Turtles appeared before Rat Rallo with expendable secretaries.  Rat Rallo bellowed, "You have known for a month that six would become three.  Turtles, what is your pleasure?"

Three Turtles waited for VP Blows to speak, only an unfamiliar voice emerged from the suit.  It said, "We ran a thorough interview process, personality tests, faculty feedback, typing proficiency, you name it we looked at it."

Rat Rallo, "Turtle Blows would have spoken forevermore.  I am grateful for your succinctness.  What is your name?"

Crone Nancy stepped forward, saying "He is known as Mayangelo."  Rat Rallo bowed to Mayangelo, welcoming the new turtle to the Rat's inner sanctum.  Rat Rallo gestured toward the secretaries.  Rallo instructed, "Please proceed."

Turtle Mayangelo waved the candidates forward.  Each secretary knelt before Rat Rallo, offering their allegiance and fealty.  The secretaries were a mix of ages, sizes and skin colors.  Turtle Beanereid bound each one's hands behind their back and placed a blindfold over their eyes.

Rat Rallo stated, "But for the want of Austin money, I would keep all my loyal servants."  A brightly dressed man rushed forward hauling suitcases of cash.  He bowed before Rat Rallo and said, "I bring you riches from heralded alumni.  They heard of our plight and wished to help."

Rat Rallo looked upon the cash and said, "It is good."  The secretaries perked up at what they heard.

Rat Rallo continued, "I can install that $300,000 magic, student-recruiting yard art I've been wanting, not the kind that looks like aliens dropped it from space!  Now, cut off three heads!" 

Sunlight glinted off slashing swords. Swoosh, thud.  Swoosh, thud.  Swoosh, thud.  Three bloody heads rolled on the grass.

Rallo turned to address the brightly colored man.  "You've earned my favor with your hard work.  I appoint thee a Vice President.  Get this man a Turtle outfit.  You shall be known as Rainmaker!"

Rat Rallo added, "Now about your raise.  Will you be happy with the amount we saved by offing two heads?"  The man was speechless, the crowd horrified.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is, unfortunately, not a parable, but a documentary of the terror.