Monday, March 19, 2007

Liberal Catholics to Breakaway under Chinese Pope

Taking a play out of the Anglican Church’s playbook, liberal Catholics plan to break away from the conservative Vatican after the Pope’s latest exhortation. Their search for an ecclesiastical home led not to Uganda, but to China, the only arm of the Catholic Church not directly under Pope Benedict XVI’s control.

Sister Mary Elephant, the leader of the liberal movement cited the group’s frustration with the recent affirmation of long standing doctrine that withholds the redemptive Eucharist from divorced but later remarried Catholics. “I can’t believe Jesus would give his followers only one shot at happiness. That just doesn’t sound like him.”

The liberal arm wants to go back to teachings of the early church. “As in Paul’s time the church had a common pot, we thought it important to have a Pope from a country that is concerned about income differentials between the rich and the poor. At least in China it’s been identified as a problem vs. the West's celbrating the gap as evidence of prosperity.”

While the Pope wants to bring back Latin, Sister Mary’s group wants to go even further. “We want to conduct services in Aramaic, the language of Jesus. Conducting services in Latin honors who, the Roman guy that co-opted the church for political purposes? We can do better than that. Jesus taught in Aramaic, so we should celebrate him in his own tongue.”

When the Vatican learned of this group’s plans, a spokesman shared his reactions under the condition of anonymity. “Let them go. This is the reason the Pope did his exhortation. He wanted to lay down ‘you’re either with us, or against us’. Those who don’t want to follow our teachings should go elsewhere.”

The Vatican spokesperson went on to reveal several other benefits. “This will help with our priest shortage if enough followers leave. We won’t have to redistribute our priestly resources more equitably to liberal congregations. Let them listen to the liturgy in Chinese! Also, this greases the skids for that Catholic-Anglican merger. The Anglican Ugandan Bishop would be most welcome in our fold. He will need to commit to the inestimable benefit of celibacy. Given his good conservative beliefs, this should be no problem.”

When asked about the loss of China to the liberal group the anonymous priest said “we were getting ready to divest ourselves of that asset anyway. The Carlyle Group gave us a good offer but we didn’t want to seem too mercenary, so the sale to the modern day moneychangers fell through. Liberals taking this unwanted division off our hands truly is a blessing from the big guy. He works in mysterious ways!”

P.S. This post is complete fiction. It’s intended for humorous purposes as the children of God divide over their paltry images the divine.

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