Carlyle Says Hospitals Don't Need Disaster Plans

In a stunningly bizarre legal defense, Carlyle Group affiliate LifeCare Hospitals blames the federal government for patient deaths after Hurricane Katrina. This follows the similarly stunning White House Lessons Learned report omitting any mention of the hospital with the largest number of patient deaths post hurricane, the LifeCare Unit within Memorial Hospital.

LifeCare argues that once the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the U.S. Coast Guard assumed control of evacuations and other emergency procedures in New Orleans during the flood, it was no longer responsible for the patients at Memorial. The patients essentially became wards of the federal government, not LifeCare, the company's attorneys argue.

To bolster their chances of using their political influence and avoiding sympathetic juries LifeCare wants the cases heard in federal court. LifeCare's attorneys filed motions to transfer the proceedings to federal court, and the case is frozen while the parties await a ruling on that matter.

If LifeCare prevails with this argument then no hospital or nursing home needs a disaster plan, it's all the federal government's responsibility. This sounds the kind of corporate coddling that leads to underperformance. But then we're used to that, recall Exxon's foot dragging after the Exxon Valdez...

Carlyle Goes on Spending Spree

The politically connected private equity firm opened its fat wallet this past week to acquire more companies, Manor Care, Virgin Media, and Telephia Inc. The cost of the three purchases total over $30 billion. Manor Care is in the long term care business while Virgin Media is a British cable company and Telephia measures consumer behavior and media use in the telecom and mobile device markets. Calryle sub, The Nielsen Company is buying Telephia for an undisclosed sum, otherwise the total would be higher.

After the way Carlyle took care of patients in New Orleans LifeCare facilities post Hurricane Kartina, I'm not sure I want to be a Manor Care patient anytime soon. As for the media acquisitions, Carlyle wants to control the information shared with the masses. So does their major client, the U.S. government. Will the British government soon sign on? Carlyle and the stiff upper lips were partners in QinetiQ...

Bush Sr. Counsels Putin

"I don't know quite how to say this in Russian, Vladimir, but my son George W., his rectum is this big. Everything's bigger in Texas, including assholes. Thank God we could afford to hire staff to change his diapers." The Russian President nodded in agreement.

iPope Sales Hit Half Million

The Vactican released weekend sales figures for the hot new high tech product, the iPope. A half million faithful followers lined up to show their love for the Pontiff. The high demand caused some technical problems in the Holy See. Cardinals were overwhelmed from all the remote camera feeds and had to prioritize who to monitor. Large numbers also signed up for the iPope's Premium Service. The Rudy Giuliani Rapid Repeat Annulment line and Fox Smoldering Confessions Channel had such signficant demand the server crashed. Problem free iPope services included iConfess, iVote, and Charge-a-Tithe with Pa-pal.

Bush and Putin Water Warriors

President Bush and Russian President Putin head out into the North Atlantic to plan World War III. "First, Israel and us bomb Iran's nukular facilities. Then you go all Putty over it, amassing troops along the border with one of your southern 'stans. The world howls in outrage, but here's the deal, we don't invade. We just destabilize ensuring the overthrow of Little Man. All those good freedhem loving Iranian patriots will invite our Western oil companies in for help. How's that sound? You'll have to think about it? C'mon Putty! OK, which oil rich country do you want to invade. Maybe we can make a deal. I know an expert in that area the recently came available...."

Bush Tests New Dreary Weapon

Marine One tested America's latest weapon in the war on hope, the dreary bomb. Rather than turn combatants into flaming homosexuals like the gay bomb, the dreary device casts a gray pall over everything and stills the air in a vacuum like manner. Some people wondered if the spreading depression was due to the bomb or the President himself.

One person commented "Did you see George Bush suck the life from the room when Stephen Colbert roasted the RR, (Republican Right or Religious Right, you choose)? Drop dead guffawing, full out belly laugh humor got sucked into the comedic black hole of George W. Bush. What I didn't know is they could bottle it, or better stated spread it by bombs. In that way it must be like peace."

Are Nearly One Third of People Mean, Selfish or Insecure?

The news revealed nearly one third of teens are victims of cyberbullying. The most common forms of online bullying are publicly disclosing someone else's private e-mail or messages, sending threatening or aggressive messages and spreading rumors online. One could chalk it up to teens being teens but the nearly one third number pops up in an exclusive group of adults, corporate CEO's.

Nearly one third of America's top business leaders in publicly traded companies cheated on their stock option incentive compensation over a 10-12 year period. Already making 1,000 times the wage of their lowest paid employee, many CEO's wanted more and broke the law to maximize their total take.

Is executve pay the same thing as teen prestiege? What will people do to increase theirs and decrease others?