Thursday, June 19, 2008

Fire in the Chest Cavity, Run Republicans Run

"Devil in the house of the rising sun," belted singer Charlie Daniels at the President's National Republican Congressional Committee fundraising dinner. "Charlie Ward in the counting house, picking out dough, Granny does your scant money matter? No, child no."

President Bush played the air violin next to the jamming Daniels. The audience, wall to wall with elected Congress persons and their significant others, roared with delight. Senator Larry Craig jiggled the handle on his special seat, doing so in time with the music. Senator Sam Brownback crooned every word while clapping slightly out of time. The lead singer customized his "Devil Went Down to Georgia" song for this special event.

"The devil went down to D.C.
He was looking for a new soul to steal
And he was in a bind, cause he was way behind
Cause Congress sold theirs long ago for donations that made them squeal
The devil came across a young man fast on the adding machine,
He jumped on file cabinet and said,
"Boy, consider this scene:

I guess you didn't know it
but I'm an accountant too,
And if you care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you
Now you play a pretty good abacus boy
but give the devil his due
I'll bet an adding machine of gold
against your soul
'Cause I think I'm better than you."

The boy said, "My name's Charlie
and it might be a sin
but I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best that's ever been."

Charlie chalk your fingers up and play those keys hard
'Cause hell's broke lose in D.C.
And the devil deals the cards
And if you win you get this shiny calculator made of gold
But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

The devil opened up his case and he said,
"I'll start this show"
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he chalked up his nails
When he flashed his fingers over the keypad
It made an evil wail
Then a band of demons joined in
and it sounded something like this.

(an eerie chorus sang "send money to Nigeria in return for millions in lottery winnings" as the cacophonous sound of thousands of toilets flushing simultaneously roared in the background)

When the devil finished Charlie said,
"We'll you're pretty good ol' son,
But sit down in that chair right there
and I'll show you how it's done."

Charlie debited and credited at lightning speed,
stealing from pensioners and widows alike in pursuit of greed
It took a few paltry seconds for Charlie to best the devil's African haul
National Republican Congressional accounts had been mauled

The devil bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he laid that golden adding machine
On the ground at Charlie's feet
Charlie said, "Devil, just come on back
if you ever want to try it again,
I told you once
You son-of-a-bitch
I'm the best that's ever been."

Fire in the chest cavity, run Republicans run
Devil in the house of the rising sun
Charlie Ward in the counting house, picking out dough,
Granny does your scant money matter? No, child no.

The throng of elected officials roared in delight, their memories of voting for anti-fraud Sarbanes-Oxley legislation long faded. A group that failed to live up to the standards of a local non-profit governing board, cheered George W. on air violin. After all, it was the President's annual fundraising dinner, the menu for Charlie's five year National Republican Congressional Committee sampling.

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