Thursday, April 14, 2011

Rallo's "Winning Tour" Gets Low Turnout

ASU President Joe Rallo addressed university faculty in Cavness 100.  Approximately 40 people showed up to hear Dr. Rallo's response to thirty six questions.  Rallo reduced those to six.   News over, entertainment begins!

I envision a Charlie Sheen inspired Rallo savaging the crowd, (i.e. complete fiction):

It's all about vision, something you academic pipsqueaks don't have.  Me and my buddy Charlie--Winners!  We not only see the future, we create it.  For many of you, it looks pretty bleak, especially if I recruit my colleague who teaches 1,600 kids in one class.  Winner! 

My four VP's eliminated the Honors Program.  Losers!  Average students--Winners and future Texas governors!  

The Veeps held a weight loss competition for our five colleges.  By reducing the number to three, we lost the weight of two deans.  Three winners, two more losers! 

It's about technology, moving education online.  Here's my three point plan for winning distance education.  One, double the number of online courses.  Two, you're going to teach these classes.  And three, I'll tell you how winners do it!  Turn on your computer, click the online teaching icon, then churn out students.  If your mind is having trouble absorbing my wisdom, then you're a loser!

It's time for Q & A.  Any questions on how you can become a winner?  Yes, go ahead.  

"How are we supposed to keep our high quality standards with class sizes doubling?"

I'll repeat the question.  How is a loser like me going to remember 80 kids names?  Winners use mnemonics, memory aids.   Here's one I use for my VP's, Limbaugh Blose Valerio's Reid.  It's in the order they came to ASU.

Change happens.  If you're pissed find another guy to blame, cause I'm a winner.  Blame the legislature which took a meat axe to our budget.  Blame Texas Tech, since we're a Red Raider franchise.  Blame my VP hatchet men, three of which arrived in the last year.  Blame yourself for not mobilizing a protest.  But don't blame me--Winner!  

I only invite other winners into my foxhole.  How many of you got a raise this year?  Losers!  My $11,000 salary adjustment is evidence of my winning.  I'm sorry it hurts you that I gladly accepted it.  My compassion for the perennially unhappy adds to my winning-ness.  It's time to wrap up this edition of the Rallo Winning Tour.  Girls come on out.  The ASU cheerleaders, everyone!. 
The above scene is fictional, written solely for creative expression and has no bearing on any of the parties named.  That includes Charlie Sheen.

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