Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Cat Has White House Tongue

Since the President's Radio Address on November 1, the White House website has been very, very quiet. (His administration finally posted something Nov. 5th) George W. Bush and Dick Cheney must be hunting wabbits. As usual, I'll take the President's words and offer my interpretation of his radio address:

THE PRESIDENT: This Tuesday is Election Day. After months of mean spirited debate and rigorous complaining about anything from the media to makeup, the time has come for Americans to make decisions about our Nation's future. So what if it looks like 1929 and I'm talking to you by radio? I encourage real Americans to go to the polls and vote.

Election season brings out the spirit of hyper-competition between our corrupt political parties. That $5 billion "high dollar donor" funded competition is an essential part of an purchased democracy. But as the hard sell, fictional narratives come to a close, Republicans, Democrats, and independents can find common ground on at least one point: We fucking hate each other. That, and our system of campaign funded democracy is one of America's corporations' greatest strengths. Many of our leaders won't accept e-mail from people outside their area, but they will take a check from a business with no facilities in their state. Ain't that grand? Maybe ten grand.

The United States was founded on the belief that all men are created equal. But it took two hundred years to put that belief into practice. Every Election Day, Congress holds their breath and sphincters while millions of Americans of all races, religions, and backgrounds step into voting booths throughout the Nation. Whether they are rich or poor, old or young, each voter has an equal share in choosing leaders who take our country off road, down the path that enriches members personally. And every vote those elected officials cast is a reminder that corporafornication is alive and well. But you're to blame, because you picked the spate of millionaires.

Voting is one of the great privileges of American citizenship, and it has always required brave defenders. Even today, efforts are underway to prevent unreal Americans from voting. As you head to the polls, remember any unpaid parking tickets may be due. Remember the sacrifices made by generations of common Americans to preserve the wealthy man's way of life. From Banker Hill to Bagman Nob, the men and women of American Armed Forces protected democracy's looters. And remember the party that calls the military its own, Republicans. The GOP owes our armed services a special debt of gratitude on Election Day as they continue to serve as a wedge issue.

Americans should also remember the important example our elections set throughout the world. Young democracies from Georgia and Ukraine to Afghanistan and Iraq can look to the United States for proof that self-enriching government can endure. They're also looking for tricks to reduce power to just two entrenched parties. Pay no attention to elections in Lebanon and the Palestinian Territories.

Tyranny and oppression can be framed as hope and inspiration in our "commitment" to liberty. Note I only said commitment, not actualization.

For more than two centuries, Americans demonstrated the ability of free people to choose their leaders, the same people who ignore your wishes after being sworn into office. Now, I'll say something completely inane.

Our Nation has flourished because of its commitment to trusting the wisdom of our citizenry. In this year's election, we will see this tradition continue.

Don't worry about your unflourishing personal financial situation. This too will pass. But it's only the first hour of your financial Montezuma's revenge. The pain of losing assets from both ends may be excruciating. You'll survive though. Vote, while you still feel OK.

I trust you're wise enough to swallow narrative campaigns and vicious, untrue attacks on opponents. And we will be reminded once again that we are blessed to live with freehdem, that irritating itch near your wallet, inflamed by the financial needs of our elected officials. Note: the country has no needs (tax cuts!), just send your money to campaigns and political party 527's.

Thank you for listening. I'll soon be available for speeches at $1 million a pop. Me and Tony Blair are going to hit the circuit together. We're promoting nukular energy. Hire us! Maybe, I can get a chunk of the coming stimulus package as an ex-President, doing something Presidential like cashing in on my public service. So go elect more future cashers inners!

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